Career Day at St. Iguana Elementary School

What do I do? You’re asking me what I do? Seriously? It’s funny you should ask, because honestly, if you have any intention of entering the kingdom of heaven, you should know. Anyway, supposedly, we’re like mediators between you and God. You could talk directly to God, of course, but he would pay more attention if we talked for you.

Some of us help you seek forgiveness. If you’re a sinner, which I’m guessing you are because you don’t know what I do, you have to sit in an isolated cubicle that sort of looks like a phone booth and tell me your sins. You have to tell me about the lustful thoughts you’re having for your teacher and how many times you touch yourself while thinking of her. You have to describe in detail what you do. You have to do all this so I can ask God to forgive you.

You can ask God to forgive you yourself, but like I said earlier, it won’t work as well.

Anyway, that’s not exactly what I do. I’m not exactly a “forgiverer.”

Some of us are Bible translators. No, we don’t translate the bible from one language to another. We translate from English to, well, English. For example, according to Psalm 137:9, Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the rock. You can read the Bible on your own but if you did, you might translate this verse as, “You will be happy if you slam babies against rocks.”

A Bible translator would tell you that what it really means is that slamming babies against rocks is wrong and it is a sin precisely because it will make you happy. See, if something makes you happy – having sex, drinking alcohol, eating chocolate – then, it’s a sin and you shouldn’t do it.

Why they didn’t just say, “Don’t slam babies against rocks?”

I’m not entirely sure. English/English Bible translation is not my real area of expertise. I’m not really a “translator.” Honestly, I haven’t even read the Bible in its entirety. But it doesn’t matter because I believe everything written there anyway.

As for my specialty, I’m more of a “blesser.”

I make people, places, and things holy. If it’s a “noun,” I can make it holy. Pretty cool, huh? Take this lunch box, for example. Right now, it’s not holy. But watch as I lay my hands over it… Wait a moment… hmm…

Now it’s holy.

Is that cool or what?

I bless people too. I can bless anyone, anytime, anywhere. Just give me a time and place and I’ll be there blessing the soul out of everyone. It doesn’t matter to me who I bless. I’ll bless everyone. Girls, boys, children – I’ll bless them all. I’ll bless them all day and all night. What can I say? I like blessing people and, sometimes, animals too.

I was just born to bless, you know? I don’t want to sound arrogant and all, but I’m just a really good “blesser.” Last night I was blessing Sister Grace and she was like, “Oh yes, father! Bless me! Bless me!” I blessed her alright. I blessed her good. She was breathless long after I was done blessing her. She kept telling me, “That’s was so good, father. I love it when you bless me!”

The night before that I was blessing John and his young wife, Jenny… at the same time. See, I had to bless them before they got married. I could have blessed John first and Jenny later, but I blessed them at the same time.

Why?

Because I can.

I blessed them so good that they were screaming, “Jesus! Jesus! Bless us, father! Oh, bless us!” Afterwards, we sat on the couch exhausted from all the blessing that happened. Jenny was like, “Oh my God, I feel so blessed.” John was like, “I haven’t been blessed like that since I was an altar boy.”

There are a lot of perks to being a good “blesser,” of course. People invite you to parties, events, and congregations. I mean, everyone needs a good bless now and then, right?

But kids, there are dangers in blessing too. Sometimes the people you bless enjoy the blessing so much that they get a little clingy. They start thinking about exclusivity and all that. I’m like, “I’m sorry Mrs. Santiago, but I don’t want to be your campus minister. I’m not ready for that type of commitment. What we have is good. Let’s keep it that way.” Some of them even want me to stop blessing others. I’m like, “Coach, God does not discriminate. If I blessed your team, I have to bless their team too.” When I’m older, maybe I’ll settle, but for now, I want to weigh my options – play the field a bit.

Now kids, if you want to be a professional “blesser,” you have to start early. You have to really, really want it. It has to be in you, you know? It might be difficult at first, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes. Just keep practicing. It’s not so hard. In fact, we can try it right now!

Pick a partner, and just start blessing. Bless your classmate! Bless the soul out of that boy! Don’t be shy. Go ahead, pick a partner kids. Pick anyone! Go ahead! No, Julie. Not him. Pick someone else. Pick anyone except Mark. Mark is going to be my blessing partner.