Married Men, Transgender Women, and the Intricacies of Conditional Consent

In an article from telegraph.co.uk, Laura Perrins discusses how the legal definitions of both consent and rape is is changing. Apparently, courts are beginning to consider the notion of conditional consent.

What exactly is conditional consent?

Let’s say a woman agrees to have unprotected sex with a boyfriend given the condition that he withdraws and doesn’t ejaculate into her. She has given her boyfriend sexual consent, but only if the conditions for her consent are met. If the boyfriend decided not to withdraw, he violated the conditions of her consent, violated her, and has committed rape.

But what if a woman agrees to have unprotected sex with a boyfriend given the condition that he ejaculates into her? If the boyfriend decides to withdraw, has he violated her consent? Is it also rape?

The writer, herself, has her own apprehensions regarding how conditional consent is interpreted.

She says, “Does this new idea of ‘conditional consent’ include any condition being attached to the act? So if a woman only consents to sexual intercourse on the condition that they are in a relationship, which the defendant leads her to believe is true but in his mind there is no such relationship on the current law, this could be rape.”

I’m not here to argue whether or not such violations should be considered rape. The question I’m asking is what kind of information, and how much of this information, does a partner have a right to?

This is not a simple issue. What makes this issue more complicated is that different people have different conditions for sexual consent. Some people will only consent to sex with a partner of the same religion. Some people will only consent to have sex with partners from a given race. Some people will only consent to have sex with rich people.

Some prerequisites for consent are prejudiced, or even irrational. However, if these prerequisites are intentionally violated, whether through deception, manipulation, or physical force, can we all agree that it is unethical?

The issue of conditional consent raises some relevant concerns.

If a woman withholds the fact that she’s a porn star from her partner, knowing that her partner would hesitate to have intercourse with a porn star, is she committing a violation that should be punishable by law?

Should a transgender woman disclose her transgender status to a partner?

If we extend the idea of conditional consent to transgender relationships, would it mean that a transgender woman must ensure that her partner is open to having a romantic or sexual relationship with a transgender woman, before the transgender woman engages in romantic or sexual relationships with her partner?

Honestly, I’m on the fence regarding this issue.

In a conversation, a friend of mine argues that:

“Only situations where nondisclosure harms others, i.e. with HIV, ‘should’ a person disclose. In any other case, it’s their own private decision and none of anyone else’s business. Consider cases as mundane as having a third nipple. Or a micropenis. Or extra thick pubic hair. Which details should a person be obligated to disclose before having sex with another person, and is it really anyone else’s business to say, besides just being between those two people? It really depends on who you’re talking to. Some people don’t mind finding out certain things in bed, some people do. It’s a dynamic of sex and dating that people need to navigate, and aside from increasing the openness of society to the variety of people in the world, I don’t think it’s anyone’s business to tell anyone what they should/shouldn’t disclose to another person.”

I agree with him, in theory.

Although it’s outside my preferences, if I had relations with a transgender who I thought was a cisgender, not having this information probably won’t harm me. But, personally, I would prefer to find out if the person I’m about to have relations with is a transgender woman or a cisgender woman. I am neither entitled to that information nor is she obligated to provide me that information, but I would like to know anyway.

Even though I consider both the transgender woman and the cisgender woman real women, I would still prefer to have relations with a cisgender woman. I asked a friend if this preference for cis meant that I was transphobic. He replied, “If I refused to date a man am I a homophobe or just straight?”

Just to clarify, I do not prefer a cisgender woman because she is “more woman” than a transgender woman, neither am I making a distinction between a “real woman” and a “fake woman.” It’s not either/or, or black and white.

A person’s gender identity and sexual orientation exists in a spectrum. But people still have preferences. Some men are more heterosexual, some men are more homosexual, and some men are more transoriented.

In the same way that most homosexuals will not consent to have sex with women, some cisoriented men will not consent to have sex with transgender women. A homosexual man who refuses to sleep with a woman is not heterophobic. A man who refuses to sleep with a transgender woman is not transphobic. Both these men simply have preferences that exclude certain groups of people.

For the same reason that a transoriented man will probably prefer to be with a transgender than a cisgender woman, a heterosexual cisoriented man will probably prefer to be with a cisgender woman than a transgender woman.

There is nothing wrong with these preferences.

On Preferences

It’s unfair that some men prefer only cisgender women. It’s also unfair that some women prefer only men with jobs. People’s preferences are influenced by many biases: social class, purity myths, homophobia, transphobia, ignorance, religious intolerance, intellectual snobbery, etc. But what influences the prevalence of these preferences are irrelevant. What’s relevant is that regardless of how silly these preferences are, they are prerequisites for a person’s conditional consent.

One can make the argument that a cisgender woman’s conditional consent – “I only want to have sex with single men” – is often violated. That’s true. In fact, a lot of married men intentionally pretend to be single until they have sex with a woman. But the common occurrence of a violation does not make it less of a violation.

It’s wrong that women who consent to having sex with single men sometimes end up having sex with people who turn out to be married men. But it’s also wrong that some men who consent to having sex with cisgender women sometimes end up having sex with transgender women.

Although I do not believe that people should be required to disclose harmless information that they don’t want to, I think that withholding information that you know is important to your partner is a violation of his or her consent, regardless of how trivial you think that information is. But, I could also be wrong.

What do you think?

Image Source:

http://listdose.com/10-useful-advices-for-newlyweds/