A Rational Approach to Jealousy

I’m going to start out with some bad news. Dear reader, you’re not as rational as you think (that, or I’m projecting a personal issue). In fact, we, as moderately intelligent people who consider ourselves rational, have a tendency to overestimate our own ability to be rational (or maybe that’s just me). My opinion comes from a very simple observation. Just because you know what the rational decision is, doesn’t mean you’ll be able to make it.

One could go on and on about how vulnerable the human brain is to addiction (depending on how healthy a person’s dopamine receptors are), or how short-term benefits cause people to overlook long-term consequences, or how our childhood experiences often influence our adult choices (regardless of how much knowledge we acquire), and even how our dominant hand can have a heavy influence on what we perceive to be good and bad.

But today I’m in the mood to talk about one particular primal impulse that has the potential to distort the decision-making of even the most rational people: jealousy.

I. Why Do People Become Jealous?

Before we answer this question, I have to point out the fact that there are differences to how men and women become jealous and, according to scientists, what human beings are jealous about may be due to evolutionary pressures.

Daniel and Jason Freeman posted the article, “Jealousy: It’s in Your Genes” in The Guardian. According to them, the most common anxieties that develop into jealousy are emotional and sexual betrayal. Research suggests that men are more bothered by sexual infidelity as opposed to emotional infidelity. Women, however, respond to both scenarios with equal levels of jealousy.

The theory believed by most scientists is that this difference is cause by a simple observable fact: Women are always certain that they are the biological parent of their child, men are not.

Freeman writes, “For both men and women, reproduction is key. But men, unlike women, cannot be certain that they are the biological parent of their child, and so they are naturally more perturbed at the thought of sexual infidelity than they are about emotional infidelity – because it jeopardises the successful transmission of their genes.”

However, it must be added that genes alone do not determine a person’s propensity for jealousy. The Swedish results of the experiment conducted prove that there are many factors involved that play a bigger role in jealousy including one’s own personal experiences & environment.

II. Why is Jealousy Dangerous?

Jealousy has a tendency to distort our perspectives. It affects our ability to be rational, because reason is a response to perception. If we perceive a situation to be dangerous, the rational response is to either protect oneself or to avoid the situation altogether. I do not think a jealous person is not being completely irrational in his or her behavior. It’s not entirely a problem of reason, but also of perception. The distorted perception of a jealous person could further escalate into a vicious cycle. Jealous behavior (accusations, suspicion, etc.) fuels jealous thoughts, and jealous thoughts fuel jealous behavior.

Furthermore, there is often an element of the jealousy equation that is rarely pointed out: the response of the accused. Within the relationship, its not just the jealous person’s ability for rationality that is compromised. The accused is also vulnerable to irrational behavior.

An accusation represents an ego-threat and when a person’s ego is threatened, there is a possibility of self-regulation failure, especially when the accused has high self-esteem.

A person with high self-esteem who believes himself to be loyal, loving and faithful is vulnerable to irrational behavior when his self-concept is threatened by accusations of infidelity. The stronger a person’s belief is, in having these values, the more aggressive his response would be when these values are threatened, because there is an overwhelming dissonance between how he expects to be treated due to his behavior (rewarded with trust) and how he is being treated by his partner (looked upon with suspicion). Some of the most destructive self-regulation failures the accused party may resort to is counter-productive persistence, self-sabotage, and even aggression.

However, these defensive behaviors from the accused are sometimes perceived by the jealous party as “proof of guilt,” continuing the destructive cycle of jealousy, defensiveness, hostility and aggression. It is, in fact, less destructive to accuse a person who is actually unfaithful.

Needless to say, jealousy is dangerous because it destroys relationships. As the article mentions, “Much of the time, though, jealousy is pointlessly corrosive, making both partners miserable for no good reason.”

III. Retroactive and Retrospective Jealousy

Another complication with jealousy is that it doesn’t just come in the standard form. Aaron Ben-Zeev wrote the article, “Can Jealousy Be Retroactive?” In this article, he explains the differences among three types of jealousy.

1. In standard jealousy you are afraid that you will lose your partner  to someone else. It is an imaginary threat, but you feel that the threat is real. However, the fear is directed at the future, an unseen future event.

2. In retrospective jealousy, your awareness of your partner’s past behavior causes you to dislike your partner in the present. For example, you leave your wife of 50 years after learning that she had a one-night stand with a stranger in the first year of your relationship. She may no longer be the same person who commited the act, but your knowledge of what she did 49 years ago creates a disproportionate, pathological response (leaving her). Retrospective jealousy does not introduce present elements (who she is “now”) into the equation. It is devoid of context. This pathological response comes with the rationalization, “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” But again, it’s either a fear directed at the future (“She cheated once, in the future she will cheat again”) or a feeling of sadness that the person you are with is not as “pure” as you thought she was.

3. In retroactive jealousy, your awareness of your partner’s past, causes you to question present elements in your relationship. You pathologically use your partner’s past relatioships as a benchmark of how much he values his relationship with you. If he made a mistake in the past for the sake of a lover, you would expect him to make the same mistake with you (or a bigger one, perhaps), otherwise you would assume that he doesn’t love you as much. The theoretical example in the article is about Jim and Carol. Carol confesses that she had a spontaneous affair with Joey; someone she met in the past, before she met Jim. She was intimate with this person the same night they met. However, Jim recalls that he and Carol were not intimate until they were together for 5 months. Because of this, Jim assumes that Carol was more attracted to Joey or loved Joey more, because Carol slept with Joey sooner than she slept with Jim. The difference between retroactive and retrospective jealousy is that retroactive jealousy introduces present elements into the equation.

Jealousy, in al its forms, is destructive. As Ben-Zeev writes, “Retrospective jealousy is destructive as constant rumination about the past is harmful and may block the possibility of the current relationship flourishing. Retroactive jealousy is even more destructive. In a sense it assumes eternal ownership over the mate, even before the agent and the mate knew each other.”

IV. Are jealous people at fault for the breakdown of a relationship?

I’m not a qualified couples therapist. But in my opinion, the problem of jealousy in a relationship should be a shared responsibility. Jealousy comes in many forms, and not all of them can be blamed on a jealous person’s “irrationality” or “distorted perception.” In some forms of jealousy, the jealous person knows that he or she is being irrational, that his or her perspective is distorted, but can’t do anything about it.

There are psychologists who consider compulsive jealousy in a relationship as a legitimate disorder.

Michelle Castillo of CBS News wrote an article called, “Overly jealous or insecure about your relationship? You may have ROCD.”

According to the article, a relationship-specific form of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) exists. It’s called relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder (ROCD). This disorder manifests through pathological jealousy and self-doubt.

ROCD symptoms include stalking the partner, checking their online history, and wanting to know who they’re with. They may constantly need reassurance that their partner is attracted to them. Another form of ROCD manifests itself in relationship insecurities. In this variation, patients constantly test their partner for compatibility. They are often tempted to end the relationship when it doesn’t live up to their ideal, but hesitate to do so.

Castillo writes, “In both of these forms of ROCD, patients may often compare themselves to their partner’s exes and play ‘mental gymnastics’ over what love really means, Brodsky emphasized. In both forms, the patients are extremely anxious when they think about breaking up.”

Dr. Stephen Brodsky, a psychologist who specializes in OCD treatment, observes how he often sees couples where one person has ROCD breaking up and getting back together multiple times a week.

All forms of jealousy, whether standard, retroactive, or retrospective, are destructive to the relationship. However, in my opinion, the burden of jealousy should not fall solely on the shoulders of those who are jealous. A common assumption made by partners of jealous people is, “It’s your fault you’re feeling that way, because you are being irrational.” This argument is also irrational.

Brodsky mentions that, “The hallmark of OCD is that they (patients) know this is irrational or has no basis, but they can’t stop themselves.” In other words, this particular type of jealousy is not due to “irrationality” or a failure of “reason.”

The responsibility for dealing with jealousy in a relationship should be shared by the people involved. In many cases, jealous people know that they shouldn’t be jealous and that they shouldn’t make unfounded accusations. These people know that they are being irrational, they just can’t help it.

The accused must also do his part in reducing the destructive potential of jealousy. In his article “Retroactive Jealousy: Learn the Causes, Find a Cure, and Save Your Relationship,” C. Paris adivises, “Try to lift them up, rather than tear them down for their feelings, no matter how unfounded, confusing, or frustrating they might be.”

When it comes to complex human relationships, there are elements more important than knowledge and reason – empathy.