God Writes a Letter to Andy

Dear God,

Please heal my mother’s cancer. Please, please heal her. We can no longer afford her chemotherapy treatments. I had to sell our house. My wife is very unhappy. She wants to leave me because our son, Johnny, had to stop school for a bit. I trust in you, God, but I have to ask why this is happening to me. Am I being punished, God? Did I do anything wrong? Is this a test? Please send me a sign.

Love,
Andy

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Dear random human person,

How’s this for a sign? I have a couple of questions for you too starting with…

Didn’t your pastor ever tell you that God had a divine plan? Andy, in the grand scheme of things, it’s all for the best that your mother dies a horrible death and that your wife leaves you for your richer cousin (I’m sorry for the spoiler). I could try to explain it to you, but you wouldn’t understand, and I don’t really have to explain anything because I’m God. I’m supposed to be mysterious. If I explain how things worked, then life’s mysteries wouldn’t be so mysterious anymore now, would they?

What’s with this prayer thing, anyway? Do you really think that I would change my “divine plan” because you have a “better idea” as to how things should turn out? How much do you know about running a universe, Andy? Do you have any experience in magically conjuring life and matter from nothingness? No? I thought so.

Andy, listen. If I wanted constructive criticism on how I should run the universe, I would have created a universe management constructive criticism criticizer. But I didn’t, did I?
I mean, hello? On which day did God make a suggestion box?

On the first day, I made light. On the second day I separated water from the skies. On the third, I made… Oh wait… I remember now. I didn’t make a suggestion box. But I almost did. It was Sunday and I was thinking, “Maybe I should make a suggestion box.” Then I decided, “Fuck it. Human beings make dumb decisions. I’ll just rest.”

You just don’t get it. See, people like you like to talk about God, and having a relationship with God, and getting signs from God. You talk about “God and the problem of evil.” Whining and whining, asking stupid questions, “Why would God create evil?” “Why is there suffering?” “Why is my daughter retarded?”

Oh God! Dear Me! Make it stop!

Andy, you must understand that I’m making art here. A universe needs conflict. Otherwise, it would be a boring universe. I mean, go to a French Film Festival and you’ll see how boring life is when amateurs try to do it. With a healthy mother and a loving wife, you wouldn’t have problems and your life will be boring. I’m actually doing you a favor here.

See Andy, to create conflict, you need a problem. That’s what evil is for. For all the pretentious literature concepts humans have made up, it’s amazing how they still don’t get it.

Get this: Satan? I created him. Plagues? Check. The Egyptian pharaoh who took “my people,” I made him too. Then, I made a dude to set “my people” free – Moses. I made Jews and then I made Hitler. See? It’s all very exciting!

With regard to your mother, here’s what I have to say: If I wanted your mother’s to be free of cancer, I wouldn’t have given her cancer to begin with. It’s just the machinations of the divine plan I made eons ago.

Also, if you’re wondering about punishment Andy, yes you’re being punished. You’re being punished because your great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather Adam was a douchebag. I, God almighty, told him not to eat from the tree of knowledge. A naked woman told him otherwise. Guess who he listens to? Human beings, man in particular, make horrible decisions like that. That’s why you’re being punished. That’s why I don’t take “suggestions” from you.

But, am I punishing you for something you did?

No.

I’m not sure if this should come as a surprise, but I don’t give a shit.

Do you think I have the time or the desire to pay attention to every little thing you do? Do you expect me to keep score on the number of times you masturbate to “unholy” porn every week? Wake up, man. I’m God! I have better things to do – cool stuff: plagues, diseases, earthquakes, you know? I’m into the epic, shock-and-awe, apocalyptic, God stuff. That’s my thing.

The whole Ten Commandments concept was actually Moses’ idea.

Moses was at the mount bugging me about how humans should behave and I was like, “I don’t know, man. Do what you want. You have free will… It’s just that I already made all your future decisions for you because I also have a divine plan. I mean, I don’t want humans to mess up my divine plan with their poor decision-making. So, whatever.”

Moses was confused. He’s a little slow. So he made up his own rules. But they are irrelevant because following or not following them is not up to you. I already decided before hand what you’ll do with your life – divine plan, remember?

And no, it’s not a test of your “faith,” Andy. I don’t need to test your faith. I’m omniscient. Do you know what “omniscient” means? That means I know everything. EVERYTHING. I already know how faithful you are. No need for all that Sunday ass-kissing.

Honestly, the only thing I want from you is to leave me alone. Stop flattering me, begging for things, and making “suggestions” on how to revise my “grand design.”

In plain human language, “Fuck off.”

Completely Indifferent,
God