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Tag Archive | "satire"

Pinoys Await Results of America’s Next Top Singer Ethnicity Test

Manila, Philippines — After the heartbreaking loss of Jessica Sanchez to another white guy with guitar in American Idol, proud Pinoys are pinning their hopes on one of the two finalists of America’s Next Top Singer (ANTS). But there’s a catch: they don’t know which one.

Both Jasmine Lopez and Evelyn Santos have been claiming in recent interviews to be part Filipino, raising the hopes of millions of Filipinos who watch ANTS on cable and via livestreaming websites.

But critics have accused both finalists of only claiming to be Filipino to get the Pinoy block vote, which has significantly helped the chances of Jessica Sanchez in AI despite her loss.

The controversy led popular online community Definitely Pinoy to conduct its own investigation into the ethnicity of Jasmine and Evelyn. “We need someone to be proud of,” said John dela Cruz, founder of Definitely Pinoy. “But first we have to verify which one of them is . . . definitely Pinoy.”

Jasmine and Evelyn have been subjected to a battery of scientific ancestry and ethnicity tests, giving DNA samples and taking various standardized Cosmo magazine quizzes. We got quick interviews from both finalists before they proceeded to their Karaoke challenge, Balut-eating contest, Tinikling face-off, and other exhaustive tests they’ll go through in the Chicago Center for Racial Profiling.

“I’m proud po to be Pinoy po.” Jasmine said to the applause of her fans. Jasmine was wearing a shirt that said, “Where I’m from, everyone’s a hero.”

Evelyn simply said to her cheering fans, “Mabuhay.” She was wearing a Baro’t Saya made from a Philippine flag.

But Pinoys in the US and at home are still holding back full support until the test results are in. “We know it’s stressful to lack this important information, so we’re doing our best to analyze our findings as fast as possible,” said dela Cruz. “They’re both world-class singers, but we can only call a text voting brigade for one of them.”

We asked him what the millions of Pinoy fans should do if the test results show that neither of them — or both of them — are Filipino. “Wow, I haven’t thought about that possibility,” said dela Cruz. “I guess we’ll just have to vote based on talent.”

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Lady Gaga Concert Ends in Flames, Fans Sink Further into Moral Decadence

MANILA, Philippines–The fire was over, but the worst was yet to come. After putting out the last of the flames, firemen began searching for survivors in the rubble of what was once the SM Mall of Asia concert grounds. This was where Lady Gaga performed a concert as part of her “Born This Way Ball” tour.

But what was supposed to be just another concert in the tour became one of the worst disasters the country has ever seen. An eyewitness is yet to be found, but surviving CCTV footage caught the unfortunate series of events.

It all started when Lady Gaga sang “Born This Way,” a song that has become an anthem of the LGBT community. Upon hearing the chorus, straight couples separated from each other and immediately French kissed the same-sex person closest to them.

With only minimal foreplay these same-sex couples fornicated on the ground, and to make matters worse, they used condoms. Soon there were threesomes and foursomes until there were several huge gay and lesbian orgy piles around the arena.

But it was when Lady Gaga sang “Judas” that all Hell broke loose. As soon as the song started, the now fully homosexual audience immediately stood up from the orgy piles.

The lighters, which were to be used for dramatic waving in unison, became weapons of arson, their lighter fluid sprinkled all over the venue, blessing the place with the unholy water of fire.

It is unsure who ignited it and what kind of Satanic lighter fluid they used, but soon the entire MOA concert grounds were engulfed in flames.

Bodyguards escorted the bewildered Lady Gaga out while her Filipino fans rushed like mindless rage zombies toward the exit.

Outside, they trampled and tripped over corpses of Christian fundamentalist protesters, who by the mere sound of Lady Gaga’s voice started to eat each other without even saying Grace.

Those who made it out alive followed a similarly demonic pattern according to consolidated witness testimonies, mostly from close friends and family who were shocked by the demonic transformation.

Married couples, who were now all homosexual, cited psychological incapacity and impotence for straight sex as they filed for annulment.

Pregnant women immediately got abortions and bought several boxes of birth control pills.

Those who were taking care of grandparents or loved ones on life support committed euthanasia shortly followed by acts of necrophilia.

Relatives urged these Lady Gaga fans to go to Church for confession, but all of them had apparently become atheists, preferring to stay home in their sex chapel worshiping their new god, Satan.

The police have captured one particularly violent fan who after the concert started kicking street dogs several times before having sex with them (wearing condoms, of course).

He reluctantly gave us a quick interview before he was taken to the vet for Rabies shots. We asked him, “What’s the reason for your gratuitously evil behavior and that of your fellow Lady Gaga fans?”

“I don’t know,” replied the man. “We’ve heard all her songs and watched all her music videos millions of times. We’ve even seen footage of other Lady Gaga concerts online.

“I guess there’s just something special that happens when you hold a Lady Gaga concert in predominantly Catholic Philippines.”

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God: I am on Raymart Santiago’s Side

Raymart Santiago, together with Claudine Barreto, close friends, and family, called a press conference yesterday to present undeniable proof of their innocence despite lack of CCTV footage.

In a statement read by Atty. Alex Avisado, legal counsel of Santiago, God corroborated Santiago’s recent statements:

“My most precious child, Raymart Santiago, has recently said that I, God, whose name shall not be taken in vain except when one is really, really in trouble, am on his side. This is the Truth.

“I was in Heaven talking to Jesus when I heard Raymart’s pious prayer. I appeared in the airport as the Holy Spirit where I witnessed — swear to Myself — Mon Tulfo hurting and harassing Raymart and his family, like the Pharoah persecuting My people. Tulfo totally started it.

“As with Moses, I gave Raymart, the strength to overcome Tulfo’s persecution and protect his loved ones. Raymart’s strength and righteousness is proof that I was on his side. He is a faithful servant, like Jeremy Lin and Tim Tebow. And also a good actor.

Santiago hopes the statement convinces fellow Christians of his innocence and Tulfo’s guilt. “We may not have CCTV footage,” said Santiago, “but our faith in God’s Word is more than enough. If God is on our side, He can’t be on Tulfo’s.”

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Catholic Revolution Against Prejudice (CRAP) Supports Miriam Quiambao

Miriam Quiambao offended many LGBT individuals with her allegedly homophobic statements at a recent episode of Bottomline. She later apologized through Twitter with such tweets as

“Homosexuality is not a sin but it is a lie from the devil.”

Despite her apology, many individuals and organizations continue to criticize Quiambao, calling the apology an even worse insult. But one organization has released a statement showing their support for the former beauty queen.*

The statement was written by Jose Shamalan, spokesperson of the Catholic Revolution Against Prejudice (CRAP). “Miriam’s recent tweet [that homosexuality is a lie from the devil] clearly shows that she loves the LGBT community,” said Shamalan. “She’s not prejudiced against Mr. Bemz Benedito or any LGBT person,” he wrote. “How can it be prejudice if her opinion is already formed before she even met Mr. Benedito? Miriam obviously respects and accepts Mr. Benedito. She just doesn’t think it’s right to call him a ‘Miss’.”

Aside from defending Quiambao, Shamalan reiterated her sentiments. “Indeed, homosexuality is not a sin,” said Shamalan. “It is just a transgression against God’s moral law. Although it is OK to react with strong disgust and hatred toward this behavior, homosexuals are not abominations.”

Shamalan also called for tolerance and equality toward LGBTs. “They deserve equal rights to marry someone they choose that is of the opposite sex.”

The CRAP statement closed with a message for the LGBT community. “God’s love is inclusive,” said Shamalan. “The gates of Heaven are wide open to each and every homosexual who changes their ways.”

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In Their Hearts: Bishop Bacani and the Secret Religiosity of Secular Individuals

I’ve been outed. In a recent interview, Bishop Bacani revealed the truth that although I identify as an atheist, I actually believe in God:

Bacani insists that many atheists still believe in God and just don’t know it:

These so-called atheists love with a great altruism, they really love their fellow man and even have a passion for justice and what is right and good,” he said. “Those people really believe in God in their hearts, but they will not admit that (emphasis added).
– Bishop Bacani, Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines (CBCP)

In short, if I do good, my actions betray the fact that I’m more religious than I realize — I’m really a theist in my heart.

I wouldn’t have admitted it to myself without the help of Bacani, so I feel indebted to him. And as a good theist, who believes in God in his heart, I’ll return the favor by paying it forward.

In the spirit of great altruism — and justice, and what is right and good — I will help some who work in the non-religious sector realize that they are more religious than they know or choose to admit.

These so-called parents, teachers, and other authority figures, who betray the trust of the children under their care by sexually abusing them — they’re really Catholic priests in their hearts.

These so-called crime syndicates, corrupt government officials and military personnel, who abuse their power to commit and cover up their crimes — they’re really Catholic bishops in their hearts.

These so-called dictators, such as the late Kim Jong Il, who coerce their followers to fear and obey them and to believe that what they say is Truth — they’re really Popes in their hearts.

And what about so-called Bishop Bacani? Although he likes to meddle in legislation, he’s actually more political than he realizes. Because the way he parades his piety and makes a show of moral superiority, while showing nothing but prejudice, intolerance, and bigotry toward those who don’t accept his Truth — Bishop Bacani is really a Senate Majority leader in his heart.


* There are so-called Catholic priests and bishops who refuse to spread the Church’s anti-women, anti-science, and anti-choice dogma, and instead choose to focus on helping parishioners with the things that will truly help them in life. These so-called Catholic leaders may not know it, but it’s obvious that they’re actually nuns in their hearts.

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Satire and Straw Man: Truth and Fallacy in RH Discourse

Some anti-RH arguments are so stupid that satirizing them is almost too easy. Consider this series of lectures from an anti-RH forum four months ago. If we took the commentary out of the recap post, it could have passed for satire[1]. Which is why it took little effort from one of our writers to turn it into one of the most successful posts on our site. As of this writing, it’s received 95,187 views, 27,510 likes, and 4,745 comments.

Another successful satirical post is the one about the CBCP trademarking the term “Catholic.” It’s not as successful in terms of views, likes, and comments, but it succeeded in a different way: Despite the more ridiculous claims I tried to sell in that post, journalists from both social media and mainstream media bought it. Abante even interviewed several key people about the issue and published their report on the front page. (And they didn’t even give credit to their main source.)

What made these posts successful is the fact that although many of the claims made are false, they ring true. We never heard anyone use caves and the ocean floor as an argument against overpopulation. Nor did we hear that the CBCP even considered trademarking the term “Catholic,” let alone “moral,” “family,” and “life.” But these claims are at least consistent with much of the thinking and behavior that characterizes anti-RH individuals and organizations. This is key: In order to satirize well, you have to be able to characterize your target accurately.

This is why it’s close to impossible for the anti-RH to satirize the pro-RH. Either they don’t know the pro-RH position well enough, or they distort it too much it becomes unrecognizable except to them. In other words, instead of portraying the pro-RH, they create a straw man:

The Straw Man fallacy is committed when a person simply ignores a person’s actual position and substitutes a distorted, exaggerated or misrepresented version of that position. This sort of “reasoning” has the following pattern:

Person A has position X.
Person B presents position Y (which is a distorted version of X).
Person B attacks position Y.
Therefore X is false/incorrect/flawed.

This sort of “reasoning” is fallacious because attacking a distorted version of a position simply does not constitute an attack on the position itself. One might as well expect an attack on a poor drawing of a person to hurt the person.

Consider how the pro-RH position was portrayed in the anti-RH forum mentioned above. They say that “separating sex from procreation develops in the person an anti-life mentality.” In other words, they’re saying that using contraception will make people hate life — treat pregnancy like a disease, despise babies, etc. You must be thinking that they couldn’t possibly mean this; their position must be more nuanced than that. But they also said in the forum that in Japan, when the elderly can no longer be supported, the pro-choice solution would be to kill them.

Would it really be possible for the pro-RH to kill their parents and grandparents? Do the pro-RH really hate babies and think pregnancy is a disease? Do the pro-RH really think RH is good only because the US says it is? Do the pro-RH really hate reproduction and health and only advocate RH because they want money? These are just some of the straw men anti-RH advocates love attacking. I’ve met hundreds of RH advocates, and none of them fit these false characterizations.

While satire reveals truths about its target, straw man arguments say less about the target and more about its author. Are the anti-RH so helpless in the face of the real pro-RH position that they’re left grasping at straws?


[1] Since Youtube User Tamtampam thanked God for an earthquake that killed thousands of atheists in Japan, netizens have been debating about whether she was doing satire. Only when she came out as a troll was the question really answered. It’s tough to tell satire from straight news because there are actually people who think God should be thanked for teaching Japan a lesson. One of them is our very own Dr. Montes, from the same anti-RH forum above:

(while showing the population growth rates of Japan) “Ayokong isipin pero hindi ko ma-help i-connect yung disaster sa Japan doon sa facts na ang tagal-tagal na nilang nagaabortion at may policy on population control.” (I don’t want to think about it, but I can’t help connecting the disaster in Japan with the fact that the Japanese have long been purveyors of abortion and population control.)

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CBCP trademarks the term “Catholic”

Manila, Philippines — In response to the existence of Catholics™ for RH (C4RH), the Catholic™ Bishops Conference of the Philippines have trademarked the term, “Catholic™.”

An official of the CBCP said Monday that the term “Catholic™” is reserved for those who obey the Pope’s teachings and are granted an official license by the Vatican through its newly formed franchising agent in the Philippines, the CBCP Commission on Franchising and Life (COFAL). COFAL recently filed a complaint with the Intellectual Property Office of the Philippines against C4RH.

“Catholics™ for RH are not authentic,” added Cebu Archbishop Jose Palma, COFAL president. “They are not recognized as Catholics™.” Last week, Archbishop Palma refused to meet members of the group unless it changed its name. “Either they change the ‘Catholic™’ part or they change the ‘for RH’ part. As it stands their name is an oxymoron, let alone illegal.”

In accordance with the guidelines of COFAL, Laguna Bishop Leo Drona, COFAL vice-president, issued a “clarificatory note for the guidance of all Catholics™ so that they may not be deceived or misled by C4RH.”

Bishop Drona added that COFAL “does not consider nor recognize this group to be an authentically Catholic™ association or group since it espouses and supports a stand contrary and in direct opposition to the magisterial teachings of the Church. Their group violates not only Canon laws but intellectual property laws as well.”

According to Drona, trademarking the term prevents the formation of other groups such as Catholics™ for Divorce, Catholics™ for Abortion, Catholics™ for Euthanasia, Catholics™ for LGBT rights, and Catholics™ for Choice.

Because of the CBCP’s recent actions, some Catholics™ said that they’d leave the Catholic™ Church and form their own.

COFAL President Palma casually dismissed these threats. “They can do whatever they want in their own church but it is useless,” said Arhbishop Palma. “The sacraments, the prayers, even the bread and wine have no holiness or power unless properly franchised by the Catholic™ Church.”

COFAL have recently filed applications to trademark the terms “moral,” “family,” and “life.”

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Pope updates stance on secularism with new catechism

VATICAN CITY — To adapt to the varying needs of Catholics all over the world, Pope Benedict XVI has revised the Vatican’s position on secularism, releasing his latest catechism, Contextual Secularism in a Changing World.

According to the Pope, Contextual Secularism ensures that “Catholics get the degree of secularism suited to their particular needs.”

In response to the revised guidelines, the Pakistan Catholic Bishops Conference has already demanded that their country implement absolute secularism, a measure previously considered gravely erroneous by the Catholic Church.

“We support the political process without any armed or religious interference,” the Pakistan Bishops said in a statement issued in Lahore. “It is imperative to separate religion from state matters.”

The Pope also urged the government to repeal theocratic blasphemy laws, which have caused unspeakable fear, suffering, and death to many Catholics in Pakistan, a clear violation of separation of church and state. “Violations of secularism must always be avoided when it harms Catholics,” the Pope added.

The actions of the Pope and the Pakistan Bishops are in line with Contextual Secularism, which mandates “that countries wherein Catholics are persecuted for their religion should implement the strongest form of secularism possible.” The call for secularism automatically applies to all predominantly Muslim countries.

“We must always adapt to the ever-shifting socio-political landscape,” the Pope said. He explained that if a Muslim country such as Pakistan were to become predominantly Catholic, the calls for secularism would stop and be replaced by the appropriate stipulations in Contextual Secularism.

The Pope, however, warns that Catholic countries ban all “aggressive forms of secularism,” such as the brand practiced in Britain, especially when secularism lets society freely criticize Catholics, who are a minority in that country.

“To the extent that secularism threatens Catholicism, it becomes anathema.” the Pope said. “Secularism should only be used to protect and promote the faith — never to diminish it.”

The ban on secularism extends to predominantly Catholic countries. The bishops of Malta and the Philippines have readily embraced Contextual Secularism, which mandates “that countries wherein Catholics are in the majority should defend the government from secularism at all costs.”

The Pope stressed the importance of Contextual Secularism, saying that “although Catholics around the world have a similar need for religious freedom, their social and political contexts differ, and so should their experience of secularism.”

“They have called for reform in varying voices, and as their shepherds, it is upon us to answer in varying ways.”

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