Here is Weird Al’s Amish Paradise, a parody of Coolio’s Gangsta’s Paradise.  I changed some words and phrases to turn it into Fundie Paradise while loosely retaining the general flow of the song. I suggest you play the video and sing along with the new ‘lyrics’ I wrote below.

Opened my eyes.
I am floating in a seemingly endless lake.
(tricked myself to believe that this surrounding of water is surrounded by land)
I long to stand on my feet…and touch solid ground.
***
Dull.
There is no wind.
The water is as still as the air.
Need to wade my arms, trash my feet
in order to see waves in this otherwise clear still flat waterscape.
***
Think.
Must I swim?
To where?
Blankly I stare, flat horizon everywhere.
Or should I wait?
For what?
Something, anything that’d rescue me from this tranquil waters for a hell.
***
Should I drown in order to end this peaceful monotony for a life?
Sink or swim?
Neither.
I will float.
***
Strange.
I feel no hunger for food nor thirst for water.
I am still alive.
Here I am,
dying to satisfy the hunger, quench the thirst-
the question:
Why am I still alive?
***
Opened my eyes.
Surprised to see a wooden box floating nearby.
I smiled.
Finally, my coffin.
I swam towards the box… it is locked.
***
Where is the key?
Is there a key?
Perhaps there is…lying somewhere at the bottom which I couldn’t see.
***
I dived, dived really deep
to find the hopefully existing key.
I dived, dived really deep
the pressure kept on pounding at my chest,
still determined to find the key that’d open that mysterious wooden chest.
***
I am running out of air.
Need to surface…
to breathe.
***
Opened my eyes.
Frowning, I brood at the thought of me drowning
without finding out what’s inside that wooden box.
***
The closed wooden box still laughs, mocks me with its lock.
***
I punched the lock over and over with my right hand
-in a desperate attempt to break it-
instead it broke my right hand, my fingers.
Most specially, my middle finger.
Great.
Now I am deprived of my only source of twisted satisfaction-
the art of clenching my right hand into a fist,
extending my middle finger
-proudly
confidently straight-
pointing it at the sky that has no clouds, sun, moon nor stars.
All stolen.
All I have is an insane blue ceiling for a heaven.

Then I laughed.
I laughed at my stupidity.
Why am I lamenting over my right hand?
I still have my left left.
***
Opened my eyes.
Delighted to see a scarlet bird
-a cardinal-
defy the azure sky.
The bird circled
then perched on my disfigured, outstretched right hand.
Talons tightened their grip
my expressionless face is ripped by a painful smile.
Once again
hot-living blood flowed out of my hand,
trickled down on my arms to desecrate the sea.
Gently
I lowered my right hand to better see the cardinal’s beauty.
I noticed- something is in its beak.
Slowly
I placed my left palm under the cardinal’s proud head.
I begged.

The cardinal dropped what it was holding in its beak
and I was not surprised to see
that it is a key…
it must be that key.
***
The cardinal flew away.
I shed tears as I witness the most depressing scene-
a moving scarlet dot vanishing in the still blue horizon line.
***
Opened my chest.
Found only blank sheets of white paper.
Paper.
HA!!!
Broke my right hand just for paper!!!
I grabbed, crumpled and threw the nearest sheet.
***
So surreal ( as if my problem of existence is not surreal enough)
the sheet which I grabbed, crumpled and threw
flew back to its pack.
***
***
***
So, I am to write.
-But I have no pen.
A scarlet feather floats nearby.
-But I have no ink.
Water is all that I could see.

But I have blood.
***
Counted the blank sheets of white paper,
the treasure I found in my chest.
Forty-four.
Forty-four sheets where I could squeeze my thoughts.

Thoughts…
About what?

I looked around
my tranquil water hell
mocking blue heaven
broken right hand
broken fingers
broken middle finger.

I smiled.
Serenely.
I know what to write.

Defiance.

First, I must learn how to use my left hand
so that I may begin writing my silent crusade of screaming thoughts
of defiance…

…thoughts.
All that is left of me.
Thoughts that are, I strongly believe, right.

.
.

.

-Jonathan Maines Ramirez, circa 2003

left the playeronbacktobackrepeat,songsOrestesAndRosebyAPerfectCircle.

woke up with the idea for a poem in mind…finished in an hour.

Come on guys, let’s show our love for science and poetry. Let’s keep the creative juices flowing. Here’s my start on this mess. I’m sure you can think of other creative limericks, whether they be about science, math, or anything under the freethinking sun, no?

There was a guy named Schroedinger

who was quite an exceptional thinker

He posited that

there’d either be a dead or live cat

Even before you laid down a finger

And I don’t want to leave another favorite subject of mine (among others) without its own limerick.

Newton discovered calculus

So did Leibniz, plus its use

There was some dispute

on who’d bring the discoverer’s loot

But Isaac won over a ruse.

I took the lyrics of the song The Big Bang Theory and tried to write a line after each of the song’s lines. The original lyrics are in normal type while my lines are in italics.

* * * * *

THE BIG BANG THEORY

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state
A singularity – you can’t predict its fate
Then nearly fourteen billion years ago expansion started. Wait…
Space-time became a growing estate
The Earth began to cool
And formed the primordial pool
The autotrophs began to drool
Helped produce our fossil fuel
Neanderthals developed tools
Placed the beasts under their rule
We built a wall (we built the pyramids)
And scaled them like we’re arachnids
Math, science, history, unraveling the mysteries
As well as mankind’s glory and all that misery
That all started with the big bang!

“Since the dawn of man” is really not that long
A lot has happened before we came along
As every galaxy was formed in less time than it takes to sing this song
(In one of them we happen to belong)
A fraction of a second and the elements were made
The stars and planets then came in cascade
The bipeds stood up straight
Tried new positions when they mate
The dinosaurs all met their fate
Just like the animals they ate
They tried to leap but they were late
Imagine jumping with all that weight!
And they all died (they froze their asses off)
While the furry mammals merely coughed

The oceans and pangea
Tibet and Himalayas
See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya
Saying all this blah blah
Set in motion by the same big bang!
It all started with the big bang!

It’s expanding ever outward but one day
Gravity will make it sway
It will cause the stars to go the other way
And bring to mankind a great dismay
Collapsing ever inward, we won’t be here, it won’t be hurt
What will be left is only our dirt
Our best and brightest figure that it’ll make an even bigger bang!

Australopithecus would really have been sick of us
Wondering what’s all the fuss
Debating out while here they’re catching deer (we’re catching viruses)
They really needed good irises
Religion or astronomy, Encarta, Deuteronomy
Chemistry, biology, philosophy, theology
It all started with a big bang!

Music and mythology, Einstein and astrology
The proletariat and the bourgeoisie fighting over a decree
It all started with the big bang!
It all started with the big BANG!

I’d rather see this picture hung upside down.
Makes it more interesting to see
the familiarity
`top -> sky; bottom -> ground’
shattered -
now, it’s the other way around.

Still, horses don’t fly into the sky.
Their feet are hanging by the ceiling of verdant grass.
Chandelier trees are not uprooted to join the company
of the what used to be company of clouds.
Water of the lake, dewdrops on grass mountains
don’t rain to put the light out of the morning sun.

How I wish to see -
rose petals sprinkle on the opalesque sky.

One thing is quite surprising -
the rainbow,
which used to look like a giant frown,
is now a radiant prismatic smile.

I believe in Nature, the ultimate Reality, that there is no Heaven, just Earth.

I believe in the Rational Man, he himself, his own Lord.

He was conceived through the Process of Evolution and born of a Man and a Woman.

He suffered under Professors and Priests, was catechized, bribed, and was brainwashed.

He descended into Superstition. On the third day he reasoned again.

He ascended into Reality and is seated at the throne of his own Thinking.

He will reason again to judge the real from the fake.

I believe in the the Human Senses,

the Freethinkers without a church, the Community of Scientists,

the forgiveness of Science,

the re-education of Mankind,

and the Life that I’m living.

Amen.

(originally posted as Atheists’ Creed)

A day goes by routinely

In the same one singular life

The hours reset perpetually

But the years are finite though rife

Like a wheel that keeps spinning

On a long road unwinding

Up goes down and round and round

But never on the same patch of ground.

Some of you may recall my earlier post regarding reconversion. More than a month later, here now is the message within my message, for those of you who didn’t have the time or patience to take a stab at it (I don’t really think talent or mathematical skill has anything to do with it, what with the number of glaring and obvious clues and hints given in the comments section ):

There are many kind hearted people, some are educated some aren’t, or they do not care they are living with rational people. Belief in a great many mysteries and things is good but now that I try to think about it, oftentimes I feel most enlightened overall. Of course to them (rationalists) I become foolish and irrational for believing and for being defensive of religion. When I began it (faith), it comes as revelations to me in matters of hopes concerning the true religion. We ask Why believe it? Must you ask religion to not be at all special? Of course one must be very polite to likely impart a reason since this is faith. Perhaps because non-believers think most believing people, of course including us Bible readers, were not well taught in logic, and that we indoctrinated and convinced as many innocent children we’d found. To believe and not ask any question about the matters of God, of our heavenly faith. You and I are brothers. Can’t religion triumph? Prevent it not. Myself included, we’re from style="text-decoration: line-through;">this moment questioning not faith, my personal revelations, beliefs, nor God. Every moment is time well spent, I think, to reflect on God, on his mercy. My skepticism’s now past. Returning to religious status,  my convictions have changed. I now solemnly arrive to serve at God’s feet. The one true conclusion is such that of mine. A loving, forgiving, personal, and merciful God the almighty, is certainly not absurd.

Some of the reasons why I wrote this, and some notes:

1. I was bored at the time when I wrote this, and I had an idea so I had to write/scribble/type it down to scratch the itch.
2. I wanted to make people think out of the box. A lot of articles  nowadays are so monotonous and uneventful to read. Sure there are quite a number of them which are well written, and they make you reflect and think about things they talk about, but they let you do so in a more or less similar or linear fashion.
3. Some have noticed the Yoda-ish style. It was intentional to give the reader some form of hint that there might be something more to this post/message/article than meets the eye.
4. Regarding the comments about similarities to The Bible Code, funny thing is that code never really occurred to me, although I intentionally wrote this message with a code (message within a message). Thanks to the commenter/s who pointed the similarity. I guess you could say it’s a micro anti-Bible-Code code.
5. I just wanted to have fun, both with the non-believing and believing side, and to attract both parties’ attention as well. I think I somehow managed to do that no? For non-believers or skeptics, it was meant to keep them on their toes. For believers, it seemed to address their woes (on non-belief).

As I sit here on the
Warm soft sand
The sky is still black.
The cold air carries
The sound of the waves.
Slowly the sky turns gray
Outlining embossed clouds.
Then, a streak of purple…and another; others more.
Dashing in the spaces between
They widen and brighten
As they turn lavender, red, white and green
Sifting their way through the clouds
Lighting the heavens with a parade of hues.
Orange spills and floods the entire sky
Overflowing to the sea.
Sea birds fly just above the horizon
Which has now drawn a clear line.
Finally, the magnificent glow of deep yellow breaks through
Dispersing the orange and giving birth to blue.

Every minute
Of every sunrise
Is a painting.

innerminds.wordpress.com

Oh you being of the heavens, I am praying
In the middle of the battlefield of my soul
I am crying, can you hear me?
Can you see me in pain?
Holding on to the will to be whole

I’m not asking for mercy or forgiveness
Or to help me out of the darkness I’m in
I’m not asking for strength
Or for some kind of courage
Not even to deliver me from sin

Here I’m standing proud like the sun
Hidden behind the gray clouds of rain
I am standing to show you
That despite all my tears
I am willing to endure all these pain

I don’t blame you for the fire that I’m treading
For the evil companions serving guide
Save me if you wish to
Yet I shall not praise you
But I’m grateful that you’re always by my side

Watch me, I shall show you I am worthy
Of the friendship you endlessly give
It might take a while
But someday I shall smile
Not afraid to continue to live

Oh my friend in the heavens, I am saying
I’m standing on the battlefield of my soul
While I’m crying and bleeding
While I’m drowning in my pain
I shall hold on to the will to be whole

I call to you to keep him safe
Are you listening to me?
I want you watching him
Because I can’t
I’m just a helpless girl
Who doesn’t know a thing
About prayer
Well, I’m praying now
Desperately

I call to you to keep him safe
Are you listening to me?

Do I have the right to pray
So doubtfully like this?
There’s no one else to turn to
And I’m afraid
Please make him strong enough
To be alright
Please get him through the night
While I pray in half-belief
To the one he trusts completely

Do I have the right to pray
So doubtfully like this?

Allow me to pretend
To believe and trust you
That’s the best I could attempt
To fight the haunting thoughts
Of his body on the pavement
Lifeless, breathless, cold
Imagination unfolds
And I’m trembling
I’m afraid to lose him

Please allow me to pretend
To believe and trust you

Allow me to embrace
This flicker of faith
There’s this hollow feeling
Of not knowing
And I can’t find someone else to run to
So pardon me if I call you
I mean no disrespect
I’m just a helpless girl
Who’s so afraid

So allow me to embrace
This flicker of faith

I just want him safe.

(This poem was written in September 2003, when I was struggling with being an Agnostic. Photo was taken by me on one of my trips to Japan.)

I don’t even know you’re there
But somehow you show me that you care
Forsaken – what I ought to be
Yet without you there, you seem to comfort me

I’ve committed terrible disgrace
Can’t excuse myself with “It’s only a phase”
Forsaken – what I ought to be
Yet for countless times you seem to shelter me

I find myself in the dark
And I won’t even call your name
But for some unknown reason
You give me something to breathe on
And I realize you’re there just the same

People treat you like a king
People see you as some sort of savior
I don’t see you that way
Would you be mad
Or would that be okay?

I criticize those who praise you
Don’t even know if I believe you’re true
Forsaken – what I ought to be
I don’t call, yet you’re there for me

Don’t know if I consider you a friend
I even laugh at you every now and then
Forsaken – what I ought to be
And what exactly did you see in me?

I find myself in the dark
And I won’t even call your name
But for some unknown reason
You give me something to live on
And I realize you’re there just the same

People treat you like a king
People see you as some sort of savior
I don’t see you that way
Would you be mad
Or would that be okay?

I don’t know what I am to you
Don’t know if I even give you what is due
Why aren’t you forsaking me?
Perhaps you’re really who I believed you to be

People treat you like a king
People see you as some sort of savior
I don’t see you that way
Would you be mad
Or would that be okay?

But I know for sure that it would be okay.

(This poem – meant to be a song – was written in April 2003, when I was struggling with being an Agnostic.)

You can forward my message below to both believers and non-believers alike.

There are many kind hearted people, some are educated some aren’t, or they do not care they are living with rational people. Belief in a great many mysteries and things is good but now that I try to think about it, oftentimes I feel most enlightened overall. Of course to them (rationalists) I become foolish and irrational for believing and for being defensive of religion. When I began it (faith), it comes as revelations to me in matters of hopes concerning the true religion. We ask why believe it? Must you ask religion to not be at all special? Of course one must be very polite to likely impart a reason since, this is faith. Perhaps because non-believers think most believing people, of course including us Bible readers, were not well taught in logic, and that we indoctrinated and convinced as many innocent children we’d found. To believe and not ask any question about the matters of God, of our heavenly faith. You and I are brothers. Can’t religion triumph? Prevent it not. Myself included, we’re from this moment questioning not faith, my personal revelations, beliefs, nor God. Every moment is time well spent, I think, to reflect on God, on his mercy. My skepticism’s now past. Returning to religious status, my convictions have changed. I now solemnly arrive to serve at God’s feet. The one true conclusion is such that of mine. A loving, forgiving, personal, and merciful God the almighty, is certainly not absurd.

Or is it?