Archive | Humor

Pacquiao Wants to Punch Pope For “Insulting Mothers”

MANILA, PHILIPPINES – “I will give him one punch for every mother that he has insulted,” says Manny Pacquiao, reacting to various misogynist statements that the Pope had previously made. “Hindi ko na kailangan ng ring para dito. Kahit saan pwede ako.” (“I don’t need a ring for this anymore. I can do it anywhere.”)

YO MOMMA SO INSULTED she gonna punch you in the face

YO MOMMA SO INSULTED she gonna punch you in the face!

Many of the pope’s statements, according to Pacquiao, seem to attach the value of a woman to her fertility, which he finds demeaning and reduces the value of women. He also criticized the pope’s refusal to accept women into clergy, saying it “betrays a deep sense of sexism inherent in the institution.”

Pacquiao recently challenged the Pope to a boxing match as a sign of hospitality and to ease the traffic situation.

Pacquio’s coach, Freddie Roach, has expressed concern over Pacquiao’s apparent self-contradiction. “I’m glad he’s standing up for what he believes, but it’s bound to confuse people since he has previously fought against the Reproductive Health Law, which primarily empowers women and protects mothers more than anyone. But who knows, maybe he’ll switch sides again after taking a few more punches to the face. It’s normal. It’s normal.”

When asked why his reaction comes so long after the Pope’s statements, Pacquio said “I don’t read very fast.”

Pope Francis was reached for comment, responding “So he’s not going to fight me in the ring anymore? What a pussy! For a grown man he sure can be such a girl.”




Image credit:

Posted in Humor, Satire4 Comments

Pacquiao to Fight Pope Francis

MANILA, PHILIPPINES – In light of the upcoming papal visit and resulting expectations of heavy traffic, Manny Pacquiao has announced that he will try to ease the traffic situation personally by having a boxing match with Pope Francis himself during his visit. “It’s only fitting that I greet his holiness with the utmost example of Filipino hospitality,” said Pacquiao.

It is a well-documented fact that traffic in Metro Manila virtually disappears and crime rates drop to almost zero whenever Manny Pacquiao has a fight.

MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino welcomed Pacquiao’s move as a gracious offering of assistance to local traffic enforcers. “And as a people, we cannot just punch the Bishop of Rome with any fist. It must be the strongest fist the world has ever seen. Anything less would be disrespectful to the Primate of Italy,” he added.

Don't miss the once in a lifetime event!

Don’t miss the once in a lifetime event!

“I don’t think it’s fair for Manny to fight with the Pope but I don’t think that it’s a good idea to tell him to stick to politics either,” says Coach Freddie Roach, who has personal reservations about the fight. “I try to discourage him from politics, you know, considering how much brain damage he might have sustained from all the concussions he’s had throughout the years,” Roach said.

Meanwhile, President Aquino has expressed excitement for the upcoming fight, saying “People think we’re bending over backwards to accommodate the Pope, but I disagree. We’re actually bending over forward, and I think the farther we can bend over, the easier it will be for the Pope to come into our beautiful country.”

When asked for comments on the challenge, Pope Francis replied, “Manny is a punk-ass bitch who has no idea what the fuck he’s getting into. He thinks that just because I’m not as young as him he can score an easy win. Well, lemme just tell you this: if he thinks he can take me down that easily, he’s in for a goddamn big surprise and a world of hurt.” The Vicar of Christ is reportedly choosing his boxing nickname between two options, namely “Supreme Punchiff” and “The Rock of the Church”.

As of writing, Floyd Mayweather, Jr. has expressed interest in taking on the Dalai Lama when the latter visits Michigan this coming March.

Image credits:


Posted in Humor, Satire1 Comment

Duterte won’t stop until every last Filipino is dead

Duterte won’t stop until every last Filipino is dead

Duterte and his weapon of choice

DAVAO CITY, Philippines — After having killed most of the politicians in the country as a result of his anti-crime campaign, Mayor Rodrigo Duterte says he plans to kill every last Filipino in the world, including himself.

Duterte’s killing spree began with his capacity as judge and jury, charging Commission on Human Rights chair Loretta Rosales with obstruction of justice, sentencing her to capital punishment, and personally carrying out the execution himself. Davao City groups including Kilusan Ng Mamamayan Laban Sa Krimen and Duterte Youth have praised Duterte’s no-nonsense crime fighting style, a move that has resulted in a near 0% crime rate in Davao. Duterte, however, is unsatisfied.

“It is time we stopped our mediocre filipino ways. ‘Pwede na yan’ isn’t world class enough. We’ve started our war on crime, and we’re going to end it. I won’t stop until the country’s crime rate is exactly 0,” Duterte said in an interview. “And the only way to ensure a zero crime rate is to kill every last Filipino in the country. Let’s stop our filipino ways altogether, mediocre or otherwise.”

Chinese ambassador to the Philippines Xi Huan Wang praised the sentiment, which echoes Beijing’s policy on corruption and the Philippines. “We are impressed by the Mayor’s resolve to rid the Philippines of filipinos, and fully support his initiative.” Beijing has offered to repopulate the country after it has become completely depopulated. If the offer is taken, this could signal the end of territorial disputes between the two countries.

Not everyone is happy with Duterte’s plan, however. Singapore’s Ministry of Manpower, as well as Saudi Arabia’s Ministry of Labor have expressed concern over the potential shortage of filipino slaves. “Who will clean our houses? Who will raise our children,” said a teary-eyed sheikh who wished not to be named. Singapore’s Ministry of Internal Affairs has also stated that there are mounting fears that Singapore’s already declining population might follow suit, as they will no longer have maids to take care of their already very rare young.

Tens of maritime services are expected to shut down. Maersk, one of the largest shipping companies in the world, has a roster of seamen that is 100% filipino, and is already beginning to wind down operations amid news of the upcoming genocide.

Duterte plans to kill himself after all this is done, because after all he is a Filipino, and a human rights criminal. He has already contacted Guinness Book of World Records to apply for the distinction of the last filipino alive, and the last filipino to die.

Image credit:

Posted in Humor, Politics, Satire3 Comments

Your Senatoriable’s Not-So-Fabulous Stance on Gay Marriage

With the Papal elections winding down in the Vatican, most pinoys are beginning to focus their attention on our very own parade of horribles: The May 2013 Elections.

The people will be voting for candidates who most closely adhere to their wants and needs, and they’ll be very interested in what the various candidates’ opinion on hot topics such as same-sex marriage.

It goes without saying that as a religiously conservative country, the Philippines has not been supportive of gay marriage, with an overwhelming amount of senatoriables voicing their opposition to the measure.

The question is, does their opposition to gay marriage hold any water? For the benefit of the people still undecided on this matter – and since I’m a mean-spirited blackheart with nothing better to do – I’ll be presenting some of the crazier reasons these people are against gay marriage…and why they’re bullshit.

“It’s against natural law. Ang lalaki, ang mapapangasawa niya ay babae, at sila’y mag-aanak at dadami ang sangkatauhan. ‘Yan ang naturang batas at hindi kailanman nagkaroon sa natural law na pwede ‘yung parehong babae, parehong lalaki… Walang pamilya! Hindi naman ‘yan magkakaanak.” – Lito David

Malayo ‘yan. Tayo’y ginawa ng Diyos na [ang] pag-aasawa [ay] para magkaroon ka ng anak, procreation, para magkaroon ka ng happiness. Kung para sa happiness lang, ‘wag na kayong magpakasal. Kung dalawa kayong lalaki, dalawa kayong babae, gusto n’yong magsama, puwede naman. So bakit kailangang magpakasal pa? – Dick Gordon

Marriage is for propagating family, but it is high time for registered partnerships. – Ricardo Penson

First off, there is nothing in our laws that makes having children a legal requirement for couples to marry. If this were the case, then marriage should be illegal for the sterile and the elderly. Strangely enough, lesbian couples can still skirt this requisite through the magic of science.

This argument was also used during the deliberations to repeal California’s Proposition 8. Prop 8 has since been repealed, with several states in the US beginning to legalize gay marriage, which goes to show you just how effective the argument was.

Furthermore, if David and Gordon are going to argue against gay marriage on the grounds that “It’s not natural,” they’re going to have to explain swans, seagulls, bonobos, dolphins, vultures, pigeons, ducks, sheep, and hyenas. All of the above have exhibited homosexual behavior in the wild.

Taking the naturalistic fallacy further, we shouldn’t be using “unnatural” things, such as modern medicine, cars, smartphones (of which David has taken to backfisting), and computers.

I’d include clothes, but do we really want to regularly see Mr. David’s junk, or Dick’s…well, you get the idea.

“I don’t think that’s a marriage. They can just live together if they want. No need to flaunt it.” – Jun Magsaysay

I think that is a joke of a proposal. I don’t know where that idea came from, but marriage is between a man and a woman so maybe the laws can be liberalized in such a way that the property relations of people of the same sex who decided to live together can be governed by law but let us not call that marriage. Madali naman yan sa partnership, we can let the government code govern that or the laws on partnership, not the family code. – Koko Pimentel

It’s more than just being able to live together and “flaunting it”. Marriage ensures that the partners involved receive the same legal protections as straight couples, such as the on the matter of hospital visitation rights. There’s also the myriad of laws under the family code that protect the right to property of both people entering a marriage, in the event of the death of the spouse.

This isn’t about granting “special” rights to the LGBT community, as Pimentel implies. This is about granting them EQUAL rights, under the same family code that protect all straight marriages in the Philippines. And on a more sentimental note, it is about two men or women who have entered a long-term relationship, being able to proudly say “We’re married!” instead a word salad like “We’re under a recognized civil union!”

Pimentel should brush up on history, so that he’ll understand why his plea for things to be “Separate but equal,” should be ignored, if not outright ridiculed. Just like his stance on reproductive rights.

“Ang paniniwala ko pa rin between man and woman yung marriage.” – Nancy Binay

Sa akin, parang ‘di maganda dahil man and woman ang marriage. – Samson Alcantara

I don’t have anything against gay people… they were probably born that way but this should not be sanctified by marriage. Some of my friends are gay but marriage to me is a sacred institution. – Bal Falcone

We are still a Catholic nation. If we look at the Bible, the marriage of two persons is always man and woman. It’s always been Adam and Eve. Wala namang Adan at Adan. Wala ring Eba at Eba – JV Ejercito Estrada

Marriage is not the exclusive property of the Catholic Church. Furthermore, it’s not as if legalizing same-sex marriage will require RCC churches to marry gay couples; The couples can always get married in churches that support gay marriage.

And really, the “some of my friends are X” defense is a crapshoot argument. Would it be any more sensible if Mr. Falcone said “Some of my friends are black, but I think segregation is a sacred institution”? Is it any surprise that most of the arguments against gays sound similar to the tired rhetoric of the proponents of the Jim Crow laws?

Furthermore, Mr. Estrada, the Philippines is not a “Catholic Nation.” While it is true that most of the people here are Catholic, that doesn’t give them the right to impose their religion on all other non-Catholics; Even constitutionalist Fr. Bernas considered this a very bad idea.

And assuming we limit our definition of marriage to consenting adults, the one-man, one-woman definition can also be disputed. Polygamy is also a widely accepted form of marriage among numerous cultures, such as Islam.

Lastly, it’s a PERSONAL belief – nobody is forcing you to have a gay marriage. However, it also follows that you don’t have a right to impose your personal belief of what marriage is on gays. It’s not your job to force your “paniniwala” on the people – it’s your job to defend their basic rights. And if you don’t understand that, you don’t have any business running for senate.

Totally against that. Equal rights are guaranteed by the United Nations Charter on Human Rights. There is really no need to expand the concept of human rights. I respect the human rights of gays and lesbians, but when you allow same sex marriage, there is no purpose whatsoever as to the objective of that. – JC Delos Reyes

JC failed to mention that as of 2011, the United Nations passed a resolution opposing discrimination or violence against the gay community.

That discrimination doesn’t necessarily have to come in the form of laws that directly oppress the LGBT community. It can be as simple as denying them the right to marry the person they love, and wish to spend the rest of their life with. A right straight people like me can enjoy, and most often take for granted. JC has no business claiming to agree with the UN if he can’t even acknowledge that gays deserve to be protected by the same range of laws that protect everybody else in RP.

On a related note, he certainly has no right to be claiming to be in support for the UN charter on human rights, given his attempts to block every woman’s right to RH medicine and education, which are supported by the UN.

JC also claimed to be anti-imperialist, and against the influence of internationa groups, so what’s he doing agreeing with the UN in the first place? Fucking hypocrite.

“I am for the protection and respect ng political rights ng lahat, regardless of gender. Pero pagdating sa marriage of same sex, sabi ng Good Book, huwag gayahin ‘yung nangyari sa Sodom and Gomorrah dahil darating ang paggunaw sa isang bansa pag ‘yun ay ginawa.” – Eddie Villanueva

We saved the best for last.

The gist of Bro. Eddie’s argument is that he’s for equal rights, unless it goes against the teachings of his good book. The problem is that even a cursory reading of the bible shows that it’s anything but a “good” book. From its endorsement of genocide and slavery to unleashing bears on kids who make fun of baldies, the bible’s text goes anywhere from morally questionable, to the sort of religiously-motivated actions that would make even Kratos take pause and say “Whoa there! Isn’t that getting a bit excessive? ”

As a parting note, I advise all voters reading this to go through their favorite candidate’s stances on various social concerns before voting. It’s your responsibility, and privilege.

Posted in Advocacy, Gender Rights, Humor, Politics, Religion, Society4 Comments

Cardinal Tagle’s Papacy Campaign Just Got Fabulous!

Hey people! It’s election season! I’m not talking about the local elections though. It’s also the campaign season in the Vatican, thanks to the recent vacancy of the Iron papal throne.

The Philippines is of course abuzz with talk of our very own Cardinal Tagle being one of the favourites to ascend to the throne of infallibility, but what Philippine political campaign is complete without an election jingle? Youtube user ‘latigorapper’ has taken it upon himself to create a jingle for Cardinal Tagle… and oh my.

It. Is. So. Fabulous.

If you listened to the jingle, I am so so sorry. If you spared yourself, the jingle is set to The Village People’s YMCA. Which some of you may know as a popular gay anthem. So, you know…fabulous!

If Cardinal Tagle becomes the next pope, can we credit the LGBT community for the win?

Seriously though, Filipinos should reconsider being so supportive of Cardinal Tagle becoming pope if they want to see change in the Catholic church. The church is not a democracy (no shit Sherlock) and the leadership has made it very clear that they’re not looking to change the moral stances of the church.

Instead, ask yourself if you can stay in a church that is clearly morally backwards while it claims to be your moral guardian. Can you stand to stay in a church that is fighting to keep allowing use of religion as an excuse for governments to not stop violence against women? Can your moral needs be fulfilled by a church that would choose to shield sexual abusers from legal prosecution while it throws the book at people who offend their religious feelings? If your own moral compass cannot agree with the morals handed down by the papacy, is there any reason to stay with the church?

Oh, and because I hate my readers, here are the lyrics to the jingle:

Cardinal Tagle, Our Next Pope
By: Latigo
Lyrics By: Latigo
Original Song: YMCA by the Village People.


Tagle, i know he is the one
i say Tagle, he is a soldier of god
i say Tagle, he won’t do any bad
and he’ll lead us to do good things

Tagle, a man of love and care
i say Tagle, he is just and fair
i say Tagle, i know he will be there
for the churches of all nations


our next pope should be Cardinal Tagle
our next pope should be Cardinal Tagle eh

he will do what he can, as a shepherd of men
to bring peace to our land

our next pope should be Cardinal Tagle
our next pope should be Cardinal Tagle eh

he will listen to us, he’s a man we can trust,
he will pray for all of us


Tagle, he’s a healthy young man
i say Tagle, he’s a righteous man
i say Tagle, he’s a moral man
and he’ll spread the gospel in our world

Tagle, looks out for everyone
i say Tagle, will pick us up when we’re down
i say Tagle, and the lost will be found
and he’ll guide us all to heaven


our next pope should be Cardinal Tagle
our next pope should be Cardinal Tagle eh

he will do what he can, as a shepherd of men
to bring peace to our land

our next pope should be Cardinal Tagle
our next pope should be Cardinal Tagle eh

he will listen to us, he’s a man we can trust,
he will pray for all of us


Tagle, an inspiration for all
i say Tagle, will heed jesus’s call
i say Tagle, cause he will stand tall
he’ll defend his flock from evil

Tagle, a good samaritan
i say Tagle, he helps fellow men
i say Tagle, will talk to god everyday
so he can show us all the right way


our next pope should be Cardinal Tagle
our next pope should be Cardinal Tagle eh

he will do what he can, as a shepherd of men
to bring peace to our land

our next pope should be Cardinal Tagle
our next pope should be Cardinal Tagle eh

he will listen to us, he’s a man we can trust,
he will pray for all of us

I am so so sorry.

P.S.: The jingle is seriously not ours and is not satire.
P.P.S: Seriously, seriously, I know FF is known for doing satire but this is not a satire post.

Posted in Humor, Music0 Comments

How To (Really) End The World

How To (Really) End The World

No, the world is not going to end this week. That belief is too unfounded to be even worth a rebuttal.

Now that we have that out of the way, let us talk about more productive things, like how to really end the world. But before we can start with our crash course on world ending, let us first look at what people usually mean when they say the end is nigh. Based on a survey done by a reputable organization composed solely of the author of this article, when people say “the world is ending” they usually mean one the following things:

  1. they lost their iPhone;
  2. human civilization will collapse or people will be wiped out from the face of the Earth;
  3. all or a significant portion of life on Earth will end;
  4. the universe will end.

Since no one really cares if some hipster lost his iPhone, I hope everyone agrees that we can skip the first item. Let us now take a look at how we can successfully bring about the other three world-ending scenarios.

[Image credit:]

Bye Bye Humans

Here’s how you end human civilization: you do nothing. Or, to be more precise, you just allow humans to keep on doing what they are doing right now. I’m not kidding; just let them carry on with their lives. They’re already civilization-destroying forces just as they are.

How does this work? Here’s how it goes. If humans live as they live right now, then the amount of carbon dioxide in the Earth’s atmosphere will just keep on going up. This will have the effect of further messing up the Earth’s climate. If humans do not change, the climate will.

[Image credit:]

But how can climate change end human civilization? When it gets hot in here, can’t people just follow Nelly’s advice and take off all their clothes? Excellent as Nelly’s advice is (and I surely recommend it to some of more well-endowed human specimens), it simply wouldn’t do because the Earth’s systems are just so damned complicated. Even a mere 1-degree increase in global average temperature can ruin the whole delicate balance of the Earth’s life-supporting systems.

“I’ve got the solution to global warming y’all!” [Image credit:]

Let me mention just a few of the many possible nightmare scenarios that can be brought about by climate change.

First, sea level will rise significantly, causing many major cities to get flooded. If fishes want Manila City, they could inherit it someday, although I already here them saying “Thanks, but no thanks.” Students of UST know for a fact that nature has already been doing not-so-dry runs of this thing, and for those who wish to see the end of human civilization it’s all looking good.

Second, many ecosystems will be messed up and might even crash. Scientists who study the details of this nightmare scenario usually get a lot less sleep at night. But just to give you an idea, when an important ecosystem crashes, farms will fail, the sea  will give up providing fishes (and I’m not even talking about overfishing yet), and the creatures that provide humans with much needed oxygen might simply call it quits.

If those scenarios have not impressed you yet, then this one might. Some scientists think that climate change might cause the ocean’s thermohaline circulation to stop. The thermohaline circulation acts as the ocean’s conveyor belt, distributing oxygen, carbon dioxide and nutrients throughout the ocean’s many levels. If this circulation stops, then much of the ocean will be reduced to a big puddle of stagnant water. When this happens, many ecosystems in the ocean will get messed up, and we’re back to the scenario discussed in the previous paragraph.

Well, that’s just climate change. There are other things that can cause the crash of human civilization without any help from a malevolent Loki figure, like the world’s oil reserves running dry, or overpopulation causing a population crash just like what happened to the reindeer of St. Matthew Island.

If you want to be more proactive in bringing about the demise of human civilization, then you might want to introduce a microbial pathogen that is downright nasty, spreads fast, and is quick to mutate and develop resistance to drugs, quite like the virus that caused SARS. Since international flights are so common nowadays, this pathogen will find it easy to go global. And while you’re at it, why not make it a virus that attacks the human immune system? In other words, why not make a nastier version of the HIV? Also, if you feel a little creative and sadistic, try to go for a zombie apocalypse virus. Although making it spread globally could be a bit tricky considering how strict airport authorities are when it comes to passengers who bite their airplane seatmates.

“I’m sorry ma’am, but the seat belt sign is turned on. I’m afraid I’ll have to ask you to sit down.”


Hurtling Hunks of Rock

But if you really want to end a world, why just go for just one species out of the hundreds of thousands, possibly millions that call the Earth their home? When humans go extinct, will bad ass tardigrades give a damn? No.

Tardigrade: “Human civilization has collapsed? Do I look like I care?” [Image credit:]

Species come and go all the time; extinction is a part of life on Earth and it is the ultimate fate of all species that exist. Dodos and dinosaurs are not losers for going extinct, they just got there before humans did. (Although at the rate humans are going, they won’t be far behind.) Scientists estimate that around 99.9% of all species that have ever existed have now gone extinct. In fact, every few million years several species go extinct.

However, for us who want to see the world end, several extinctions every few million years are not enough. What we want is a mass extinction event, a massive blowout where up to 90% of all species on Earth bid goodbye to existence within a very short span of time. (And by “very short” we mean around a few million years.) Feel free to choose any of the following means to bring about your desired mass extinction event:

  • Send a big hunk of rock (an asteroid, a comet or a big meteor) hurtling towards the Earth. If this hunk of rock is big and fast enough, its collision with the Earth can release the energy contained in millions of tons of TNT. How much energy is that? Well, just enough to boil much of the ocean. It will also be enough send tons of dust into the air, covering the Sun for years on end and causing the Earth’s climate to change – and we’re back to climate change, yay!
  • Your big hunk of rock does not really need to hit the Earth to cause a lot of damage. If it’s big enough, even a close encounter with the Earth can cause a drastic change in the Earth’s orbital tilt, rate of rotation or distance from the Sun. If any of the mentioned things happen, creatures everywhere will suddenly find themselves in places too hot, too cold, too humid or too dry for them. Once this happens, many of the more choosy creatures – which is, well, most of them – will say goodbye to existence, and a cascade of extinctions will ensue.
  • Turn up the Sun. Or, alternately, turn in down. Just do it quickly. The Sun has been having mood swings for billions for years now. However, it’s been doing it slowly enough that a lot of the Earth’s creatures were able to adapt to many of them. A sudden overabundance of sunlight, or a sudden lack of it, will surely change the climate drastically. Yes, you’ll never go wrong with climate change, fellow world-ender.
  • Let the Sun go red giant. It will do this a few billion years from now, anyway, so why prolong the suffering of all earthlings? Go ahead and let their star become a big red ball that will boil all their oceans and possibly even consume their planet.

[Image credit:]

  •  Help the humans do their work of causing the sixth mass extinction. Scientists have discovered five mass extinction events in the 4.5-billion year history of the Earth. The most popular of the five is the one that led to the demise of all non-avian dinosaurs. Nearly all scientists agree that it was caused by an asteroid impact around 65 million years ago. (If you want to sound smart, call this the K-Pg mass extinction event. K-Pg stands for Cretaceous-Paleogene. It was between these two periods that the extinction event happened. It used to be called the K-T event, for Cretaceous-Tertiary.) The greatest of the five, however, was the Permian extinction event, also known as the Great Dying (dun dun dun!). The Great Dying (dun dun dun!) involved, well, a great amount of dying. 90% of all the species on Earth alive at the time, to be more precise. Many scientists think that a sixth extinction event is on the way, and it is caused by the joy humans derive from cutting down trees and polluting the seas. Hence, if you want to see the end of the world as we know it, you might give these Homo sapiens a little help in their endeavor.

[Photo credit:]

  • Life on Earth is resilient. The cosmos has been sending all sorts of nasty stuff to Earth for billions of years, and yet life goes on. If you really want to obliterate life on Earth, you might want to send a rogue black hole to the Solar System. The black hole will gulp up the Sun and all its planets and that’s the end of it goodbye thank y’all.
  • If you want to be a bit more dramatic, you can make a supernova explode a few light-years from the Sun. Even though it’s billions of kilometers away from Earth, it will still incinerate all the planets of the Solar System, ending life in this sector of the galaxy for good.


Crunching and Heat

Yes, yes, I know, with billions upon billions of planets in the universe some of you might find it lame to end life in just one planet. You want to end all life in the galaxy, even in the universe, right? Well, unfortunately for us, the universe is such damned big place. How big, you ask? Well, damned big. If you want numbers, the observable universe is about 46 billion light years or 4,300,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 meters across. Good luck with trying  to comprehend that.

One way of ending something this huge is by adding enormous amounts of matter to it. You can even add dark matter, if you’re into that sort of thing. If you add enough matter, this will cause the universe to become closed. In a closed universe that lacks dark energy, there will be enough matter to stop the current expansion. This will lead to a universal contraction and an eventual Big Crunch, which is just a delicious name for the opposite of the eve more deliciously-named Big Bang.


The Big Crunch

Unfortunately for those who like to crunch, the universe has a lot of this thing they call dark energy. Scientists know very little about dark energy, but whatever it is, it seems to exert a repulsive force that accelerates the expansion of the universe. If this is indeed the case, the only way for the universe to “end” is by undergoing a heat death. The heat death of the universe will happen when all the energy in the universe will be converted to useless energy, that is, energy that cannot be used to do work. This is given by the Second Law of Thermodynamics, which says that as time goes by, the energy in the universe gets more evenly distributed. Evenly distributed energy is heat, which is energy that cannot be exploited to do anything useful. Since life requires energy that can be used to do work, the head dead universe will not be able to support life of any kind.

Now to the important question, how can you bring about the heat death of the universe? Answer: you do nothing; let the Second Law of Thermodynamics do its work. Give it time. Be patient.


Take Home

So there you go, a teaser course on how to end the world. By now I think you would’ve noticed that it’s not really that difficult helping the world reach its demise. With lots of humans caring greatly about trivial things and little about things that matter, the world needs little help to meet its destruction. As a matter of fact, tremendous effort is expected not from those who want to end the world, but from those who want to pass it on the next generation. Even more effort is required from those who want to see a better tomorrow for their descendants. So it’s time to stop reading this article and start help building a better world for all of us. After all, the world is not ending anytime soon.

Posted in Humor, Science, Society0 Comments

Real or Fake: Anti RH Quotes From Batasan

On the second reading of the RH bill in congress, many incredible things were said on the floor of the Batasan in a vain attempt to stop the RH bill. Can you spot which ones were actually said by Congress Representatives and which are just attempts to live up to their crazy?

  1. “Napakaswerte ko dahil nung kinasal ang magulang ko, walang RH law”
  2. “Only God has the right to stop life. A big no to RH bill.”
  3. “The RH bill does not care much about family/marriage but concerned with giving couples safe,satisfying sex life”
  4. “We stand for the yearning that somehow, some higher power binds us to follow the light to goodness, righteousness”
  5. “Without our population, we would not have large remittances. I believe RH bill is not good for our country, our population.”
  6. “Sagot ba ang condom sa taong walang makain ngayon?”
  7. “Our big population makes it so that the Filipino people can give more glory to God. Therefore, no to the RH bill.”
  8. “RH bill directly violates fundamental law of the land, religious freedom; directly assaults Catholic Church”
  9. “Nanaginip po ako kagabi na nagpakita sa akin ang Mahal na Birhen na may dalang isang aborted na fetus. Paano po kung kayo yung fetus na ‘yon? Hindi po pwedeng magka-RH Bill!”
  10. “We don’t play dice with God.”
  11. “There’s something wrong when bill disrespects religious beliefs, reduces to plain argument denial of right to life”
  12. “Who stands to benefit most if this bill is passed? Hindi ko pwede isuko ang aking pagka-Katoliko”
  13. “With the RH Bill, my wife would be so lonely at home without children to take care of.”
  14. “Myth of overpopulation has been debunked.”
  15. “They said that the RH bill is for the women, but that’s not true. The RH bill is for those men who can’t control their urges. It is always the men who want sex, never the women. If husbands will just abstain from sex when they don’t want their wives to get pregnant, there will be no unwanted children. I vote no to the RH bill.”

Highlight below for the answers

1) Rep Unico, 3) Rep. Garcia, 4) Rep. Gullas, 5) Rep. Antonino, 6) Rep. Tiangco, 8) Rep. Rufus Rodriguez, 10) Rep. Javier, 11) Rep. Del Mar, 12) Rep. Mikey Arroyo, 14) Rep. Karlo Nograles

2, 7, 9, 13, 15

Source: ANC report, “#RHBill: How They Voted”


Posted in Humor, RH Bill6 Comments

The Billionaire Bishops Go Begging

Hi guys. Could I talk to you all for a minute?

So there’s this guy named Pedro. I don’t know him personally. I mean, I know him, I definitely know him, but I never met him in real life because he’s technically from Guam, plus he lived in the 1600s, so there’s that. But I know the guy, and everyone says he’s awesome, and I think he’s awesome, too.

He’s actually so awesome that he brought this woman from Leyte back to life, and he—Pedro—was already dead! No, I’m serious! What I mean to say is that this whole miracle thing happened in 2002—way, way, WAY after Pedro’s time. Seriously, 2002! And he was from the 1600s! So how did he do it? Well, this woman, she died, right? I mean, she was clinically dead, two hours after a heart attack. And then her doctor prayed to Pedro and then BAM! She’s ALIVE again! I mean, honestly, how else could she have gotten that chance, right? OF COURSE you get to live again when your doctor prays to someone who died centuries ago! Duh! What else could it have been? Go Pedro!

So the Vatican, they’re going to name Pedro a saint because they said he performed a miracle from the grave, miles and miles and centuries away, okay? Okay, so the thing is, this Pedro, who lived most of his life in Guam, was born in the Philippines, so OBVIOUSLY that means he’s a real Filipino and we should all be super proud of him and use him as an example of why we’re the BEST COUNTRY EVER. Sounds good, right? But here’s the thing: we kind of need 60 million pesos from you guys.

Seriously, we need 60 million. We’re going to be celebrating Pedro, and we’re going to need a little extra cash for the tarps, and maybe an AVP. Balloons, if we can find a decent supplier. I mean, this is going to be HUGE, guys. Like, it’s going to be the EVENT OF THE YEAR. TIME is going to STOP on Canonization Day. I mean, people from all over the country are just going to drop what they’re doing—their jobs, their families, their hopes, their dreams—and come over to Manila and par-tay, you know? I mean, I don’t even need to tell you to mark your calendars, because God has already marked them for you. And an event like that calls for a little glitz, don’t you think?

So, yeah. Could you spare some change, friends? I mean, we’re not asking for much. I know most of you can barely afford to feed yourselves, let alone your 10 children, but this is a once-in-a-lifetime event, you know? And ultimately, it’s all for God. For God, guys. Wouldn’t you want to do something nice for God, for once? I mean, He’ll like you a whole lot more if you help us out. Like, bless your life and save you from hell and stuff.

And about the 18 billion pesos we already have, well, we can’t really spend it for this. Well, we can, but do you seriously think we should, given this godawful recession? Come on, guys. It is tempting to dip into the funds just a little, but you know what they say about temptation. We’re just trying to be frugal here. Live a simple life. Earn a billion here, maybe a hundred million there, then stow it all away for a rainy day. It’s the thing to do. You know how it is. You all understand.

So, do we have a deal? Yes? Okay? We’d definitely prefer cash over checks, by the way. (The Pope’s not too hot on paper trails these days.) Just leave the envelopes with the guard at the CBCP gate

We really look forward to all your help, guys. This means more than you’ll ever know. You have no idea how happy this will make us. And seriously, rest assured that there will be a very, very good return on investment. You’ll definitely get what you deserve. This is a solid deal, guys. Real solid. Serious stuff. Totes legit. It’s going to be the smartest thing you’ve ever done. Seriously. I swear it. I swear to God.

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Posted in Entertainment, Humor, Religion, Society4 Comments

Memo to God

To:          God (in all your names and guises, throughout the history of humanity)

Cc:          Your prophets, dead or alive

From:   Your alleged creation

Date:     A mere blink of eternity’s eye

Re:         Violence committed because of you


I am writing this memo to request that You clear Your name once and for all; and, while You are at it, please include the name of Your prophets, dead or alive. Since you are omnipresent and omniscient, I’m sure that you already know that throughout the history of mankind, Your precious humanity has proclaimed you to be the reason why they have committed violence. You have been the eternal excuse for countless murders, for lives made miserable because these persons were deemed to be not following Your words, and for never-ending feelings of hatred. Your name, Your words, Your commands, Your existence have all been implicated with a lot of violent and intolerant behavior. You have been accused as the mastermind behind all this violence and intolerance.

To clarify some matters, I have prepared some questions here for You to answer. I hope You’ll find a spot in Your busy schedule to answer them:

Did You really tell these mortal creatures that violence and intolerance are needed in order to believe that You exist? To worship You? To thank You for Your wonderful creation and for Your blessings?

Is there really a need for gore in order to exalt Your glory? How many people should be killed in order to prove that You are indeed the one and the only Divine Master of the universe?

Do You really hate satire? Do You ever laugh at Yourself? Do you laugh when violence is committed in Your name?

As the most powerful and highest being ever in the Universe, do You feel bullied when mere mortals laugh at you? Are You happy when mortals are being bullied because of You?

Do You hate being criticized? If Yes, given that You created everything that is and will ever be in this universe, why did You create critical thinking? Do You really want those people who criticize You to be killed, imprisoned, or bullied? Don’t You want feedback?

As the Owner of the universe, do You really need our money? Do You really need big houses? What do You need a country for?

Aren’t you tired of seeing these mere mortals act as if they were You? Of speaking, allegedly, on behalf of You? Of using You as an excuse for their behavior? Can’t You speak for Yourself? Can You once and for all reclaim the dignity of the office of Your eternal magnificence?

Thank you and hope to hear from You soon!


Posted in Humor, Religion, Satire2 Comments

COMELEC Disqualifies “Ang Patay” Party List

Intramuros, Manila — The Commission on Elections (COMELEC) held a review hearing yesterday for the party list “Ang Patay.” The hearing ended with the panel’s rejection of the party’s application for recognition. “Ang Patay was founded to ensure that the dead are represented in the legislative branch of government,” said Ang Patay Spokesperson Randy Cabaong. He says that “with [Ang Patay’s] rejection, the government is basically saying that the departed are of no importance to them!”

“The deceased are not only underrepresented in public office,” according to Atty. Leoric Calansay, one of Ang Patay’s candidates. “They are also marginalized by society in general.” When asked for examples of marginalization, he is quoted as saying that “the recent zombie pop culture craze discriminates against the dead by focusing too much on the interactions between the living and the undead.”

Ang Patay constituents

A field full of Ang Patay supporters

However, COMELEC Commissioner Dennis Romualdez pointed out some technicalities with their application. “For one, none of the people in Ang Patay, however lifeless they may seem, have actually died. It is unfortunate for them that representatives are required to be a part of the sector they claim to represent,” says Romualdez. He also goes on to say that “the COMELEC does not even recognize dead people as people anymore.”

Some members of the Deny Universal Rights Party (DURP) were also present during the hearing. Kurt Tang, a representative of DURP, said that they were there to monitor the proceedings. “We’re here to make sure that dead people never get rights because they are a horrible sector of society,” says Tang. “They just lie there and do nothing but rot all day, costing our economy billions of pesos a year in wake and burial costs. In our view, they deserve to be disqualified for representation in office.”

Upon overhearing these statements during our interview, one of the members of Ang Patay shouted at Tang that “your mother should have killed you!”




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Posted in Humor, Politics, Satire7 Comments

Dustin Celestino: The Number One Authority on Anti-RH Arguments

I, Dustin Celestino, the number one authority on anti-RH arguments, have been mentioned in a recent article by Sun Star Baguio. In this article, my arguments against the RH Bill have been justly juxtaposed with the arguments of none other than the principal author of the RH Bill, congressman Edcel Lagman.

Here’s paragraph #4:

Dustin Celestino, a critic, said, “[The] RH bill is wrong because it then assumes that the Philippines is overpopulated; it assumes that contraceptives are good for mankind and women; the RH Bill will put Filipinos into extinction; it assumes that reproductive education and contraceptives will effectively reduce cases of abortion; and assumes that parents don’t teach their children about sex.”

Here’s paragraph #5:

But Lagman fortified and added, “Reproductive Health Bill promotes information and access to both natural and modern family planning methods, which are medically safe and legally permissible. It assures an enabling environment where women and couples have the freedom of choice on the mode of family planning they want to adopt based on their needs, personal convictions and religious beliefs. He added “the bill does not have any bias for or against natural or modern family planning. Both modes are contraceptives methods and their purpose is to prevent unwanted pregnancies.”

Let me repeat, in this article, the Pro-RH side is represented by the principal author of the RH Bill, Edcel Lagman. The Anti-RH argument is represented by the number one authority on Anti-RH arguments, me.

It’s truly a clash of the titans because my opinions for why the RH bill is bad (dinosaurs are extinct because they used condoms, therefore people will become extinct if they used condoms) bear as much weight as any scientific study that proves how the RH Bill could be beneficial to our country.

I’m very proud of what I’ve accomplished as the number one authority on anti-RH arguments. I would like to thank my friends and family for their support. I would like to thank all the Catholics who quoted me, especially St. John the Baptist Parish of Taytay, Rizal for making a virtual poster based on my gospel:

But I have a confession to make: I’M NOT ANTI-RH.

I never thought I’d be quoted by Anti-RH people (and media!) to make arguments against the RH Bill, because the article I wrote (“Why the RH Bill is Bad”) was satire. It’s even categorized as humor. I thought this was obvious because:

1. No, you can’t live on the ocean floor.

2. No, dinosaurs didn’t use condoms.

3. No, women can’t have abortions if they’re not pregnant.

4. No, priests don’t have the most knowledge and experience with sex and reproduction… well, that point is debatable.

In any case, there is a reason why people thought that the article was serious. The formal term for the effect is called Poe’s Law.

The core of Poe’s law is that a parody of something extreme by nature becomes impossible to differentiate from sincere extremism. A corollary of Poe’s law is the reverse phenomenon: sincere fundamentalist beliefs being mistaken for a parody of that belief.

People can’t tell if the article I wrote was a parody or not because they’ve probably met people online and elsewhere that have made statements that are just as, if not more, absurd. As Red Tani has mentioned in his article “Satire and Straw Man,” “Some anti-RH arguments are so stupid that satirizing them is almost too easy.”

What’s interesting to me, however, is some people’s insistence on quoting me and pointing to my article as a credible source of Anti-RH arguments. Did they actually think that dinosaurs used condoms? It seems to me that a lot of Catholics read my article in the same way they read their Bible – they only quote and remember stuff they agree with while ignoring every other fallacy found in the same document.

Posted in Humor, RH Bill2 Comments

CBCP Guns for 3 Guinness World Records to Tie with INC

12 July 2012, Manila, Philippines – In light of the Iglesia ni Cristo’s (INC) recent breaking of three Guinness World Records, the Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines (CBCP) has also approached the record achievement authority in the hopes of snagging three records to tie with their rival faith.

According to San Juan Bishop Rico Bagatsing, Senior Auditor for Dogmatic Accomplishments, the CBCP has submitted the following facts to Guinness as representatives of the Philippine Catholic Church: the death of an average of 12 mothers per day due to their delay of the passage of the Reproductive Health (RH) Bill; the amount of over 18 billion pesos amassed due to their holdings in several large corporations; and the two cases of death and 1,000 cases of injury during the 2006 Feast of the Black Nazarene, an extremely dangerous tradition that they have long condoned.

“We hope and pray that the good people of Guinness World Records recognizes us for Most Preventable Deaths from Maternal Complications; Most Wealth Unspent by a Charitable Institution; and Most Irrational Devotees to a Non-Living Object,” says Bishop Bagatsing. “The INC may have won records for most dental health checks, and most blood pressure and blood glucose level readings, but just about any organization can orchestrate that in mere days for publicity. What the Catholic Church has achieved, in contrast, took whole centuries of indoctrination and intimidation to accomplish. Furthermore, we do not long for such record placings just for publicity’s sake. Not at all. We simply want what we deserve.”

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Posted in Entertainment, Humor, Religion, Satire, Society1 Comment

November Garcia’s “Catholic Girls: A Dei in the Life”

Many Filipinos grew up studying in Catholic schools, and each one has a horror story or two up their sleeve. From First Friday masses in sweltering gymnasiums to ruler whackings from grumpy old nuns, there are many reasons to consider graduating from such schools as a badge of courage. Graduates of Opus Dei schools, however, seem to have it particularly bad, thanks to this Catholic branch’s strict adherence to outdated conventions.

Designer and illustrator November Garcia, herself a survivor of an Opus Dei school, has decided to give everyone an insider’s tour of life in her alma mater, warts and all, in awesome webcomic form. A lot of people have stories to tell, and November tells hers exceptionally well.


Read the rest over at!

Posted in Humor, Personal, Religion, Society, Stories0 Comments

Filipinos Demand Public Apology for Their Skin Color

Filipinos all across the globe have expressed disgust at a statement made by British stand-up comedian Josh Kayden during his recent show entitled “Callous” in Las Vegas.

Kayden was purported to have said the following during one of his acts:

But wouldn’t it be awesome if you breed a chink with a redskin and got an orange kid? And after having that kid breed with a nigger, you just might end up with something brown, kinda like a Filipino!

“That Filipinos are a shade of brown is an incredibly racist and insensitive thing to imply,” according to Rep. Sergio Palmones. “If anything, Filipinos are much closer to crackers in terms of complexion.”

“I wish he would stop saying those horrible things about Filipinos. It’s really not nice. I mean, what harm have we ever done to him?” says Francis Orpua, the Chairman of the Commission on Apology Justice for Offensive Tweets (CAJOT). CAJOT is currently working on issuing an apology subpoena. To send it to Kayden, they are working in conjunction with the Philippine Postal Service, which says that Kayden should expect the subpoena in 572 working days.

According to Orpua, should Kayden fail to issue a formal non-sarcastic apology in a timely manner, CAJOT will be forced to call upon the Philippine Navy to breach his home in Bristol and ask him for an apology in person at gunpoint.

In an act of outright defiance, Kayden published the offensive lines in two separate tweets last night, triggering a wave of angry responses which include the following:


As of publishing time, #RacistBritard was still trending on Twitter.

Kayden recently responded to some of the backlash, saying “Nigga please. Wesley Snipes ain’t got nothin’ on my black skin.”



Posted in Humor, Satire, Society4 Comments