Apparently, I got a letter from Jesus! He has graciously thought to send me an invitation (via e-mail, I must add) to His Grand Party!
As proof, here is His letter, copied verbatim:
Dear loved ones,
As you well know, we are getting closer to my birthday. Every year there is a celebration for my honor and I think that this year the celebration will be repeated. During this time there are many people shopping for gifts, there are many radio announcements, TV commercials, and in every part of the world everyone is talking that my birthday is getting closer and closer.
It is really very nice to know, that at least once a year, some people think of me. As you know, the celebration of my birthday began many years ago. At first, people seemed to understand and be thankful of all that I did for them, but in these times, no one seems to know the reason for the celebration. Family and friends get together and have lots of fun, but they don’t know the meaning of the celebration.
I remember that last year there was a great feast for my honor. The dinner table was full of delicious foods, pastries, fruits, assorted nuts and chocolates. The decorations were exquisite and there were many, many beautifully wrapped gifts. But, do you want to know something? I wasn’t invited. I was the guest of honor and they didn’t remember to send me an invitation. The party was for me, but when that great day came, I was left outside, they closed the door in my face …. and I wanted to be with them and share their table.
In truth, that didn’t surprise me because in the last few years, all closed their doors to me. Since I wasn’t invited, I decided to enter the party without making any noise. I went in and stood in a corner. They were all drinking; there were some who were drunk and telling jokes and laughing at everything. They were having a great time. To top it all, this big fat man all dressed in red, wearing a long white beard entered the room yelling Ho-Ho-Ho! He seemed drunk. He sat on the sofa and all the children ran to him, saying: “Santa Claus, Santa Claus” .. as if the party were for his honor!
At 12 Midnight all the people began to hug each other; I extended my arms waiting for someone to hug me and … do you know … no one hugged me. Suddenly they all began to share gifts. They opened them one by one with great expectation. When all had been opened, I looked to see if, maybe, there was one for me.
What would you feel if on your birthday everybody shared gifts and you did not get one? I then understood that I was unwanted at that party and quietly left.
Every year it gets worse. People only remember to eat and drink, the gifts, the parties and nobody remembers me. I would like this Christmas that you allow me to enter into your life. I would like that you recognize the fact that almost two thousand years ago I came to this world to give my life for you, on the cross, to save you. Today, I only want that you believe this with all your heart.
I want to share something with you. As many didn’t invite me to their party, I will have my own celebration, a grandiose party that no one has ever imagined, a spectacular party.
I’m still making the final arrangements. Today I am sending out many invitations and there is an invitation for you. I want to know if you wish to attend and I will make a reservation for you and write your name with golden letters in my great guest book. Only those on the guest list will be invited to the party. Those who don’t answer the invitation, will be left outside.
Be prepared because when all is ready you will be part of my great party.
See you soon.
I Love you!
P.S. Please share this message with your loved ones, before Christmas
Well, I thought, since He was nice enough to think of me and send me a letter, I thought I should do what any decent moral person would do; Answer his letter!
So here’s my letter to Him:
Thank You so much for Your letter and Your invitation! You do not know how thrilled I am to hear from You! And to see that I’ve been invited to The Grand Party!That is such an honor!
However, I must ask, why are You claiming that December 25 is Your birthday? I mean, weren’t shepherds out and about when You were born in Your manger? Obviously, it was nowhere near December at the time! Probably closer to April. Are You sure Your Virgin Mom and Foster Dad didn’t lie to You about Your date of birth? Don’t worry about the “virgin birth” thingy, I can keep a secret. Plenty of couples who get pregnant out of wedlock change the DOB of their babies too to cover it up, so there’s not much to be embarrassed about.
I have to ask, why are You saying that no one invites You to “Your” birthday parties? I’m sure there are plenty of nutjobs… err… I mean… devout followers out there who DO invite You to their parties. Many of them actually leave a plate on the table just for You! But the thing is, your space is ALWAYS empty. I’m just saying, maybe You’d get more invites to even more parties if You actually attended them. You complain about the Fat Man in the Red Suit getting all the attention, but in fairness, he actually makes it to MANY of the parties, unlike You.
Now You’re saying that since most people didn’t invite You to the parties (and remember, it’s You’re fault for never ever attending any of the parties in the first place), You’re going to get back at them by making a grand party of Your own, and send an invitation only to a select few? I mean, most of my friends DIDN’T get this invitation when I asked them. Honestly, are you too cheap to send out more invitations by yourself that you need us to do the legwork for you?They even looked at me like I was crazy or something when I said: “Did Jesus Christ send you an invitation to His Grand Party?” .
Don’t you think it’s a bit childish? Isn’t that how an eight year old kid would act? You’re over 2000 years old already, for your sake! Have you not mentally grown up at all? Now that I think of it, why should I waste time and energy to attend a party that most probably will never happen anyway? I mean, you’ve been talking of this “Grand Party” of yours for almost 2000 years now, and you’ve got jack shit to show for it.
Heck, this invitation of yours DOESN’T EVEN HAVE A FRICKIN’ DATE! Because of that, many of your followers have resorted to making up half-assed guesses for the date of your “Great Party”. The generation you promised this party for is long gone, and chances are, your party STILL wouldn’t happen even after this generation of waiting followers are long dead. I guess you like the feeling of stringing us along, don’t you?
You know what? To hell with it. You can cancel this “invitation” of yours and you can take that golden guest book of yours and shove it where the sun don’t shine. Consider this my RSVP.
P.S. Your Real Dad is an crazy, petty, egomaniacal, murderous, misogynistic, baby-killing, tyrannical a-hole with a personality disorder. Tell him to get professional help.