Duterte won’t stop until every last Filipino is dead

DAVAO CITY, Philippines — After having killed most of the politicians in the country as a result of his anti-crime campaign, Mayor Rodrigo Duterte says he plans to kill every last Filipino in the world, including himself.

Duterte’s killing spree began with his capacity as judge and jury, charging Commission on Human Rights chair Loretta Rosales with obstruction of justice, sentencing her to capital punishment, and personally carrying out the execution himself. Davao City groups including Kilusan Ng Mamamayan Laban Sa Krimen and Duterte Youth have praised Duterte’s no-nonsense crime fighting style, a move that has resulted in a near 0% crime rate in Davao. Duterte, however, is unsatisfied.

“It is time we stopped our mediocre filipino ways. ‘Pwede na yan’ isn’t world class enough. We’ve started our war on crime, and we’re going to end it. I won’t stop until the country’s crime rate is exactly 0,” Duterte said in an interview. “And the only way to ensure a zero crime rate is to kill every last Filipino in the country. Let’s stop our filipino ways altogether, mediocre or otherwise.”

Chinese ambassador to the Philippines Xi Huan Wang praised the sentiment, which echoes Beijing’s policy on corruption and the Philippines. “We are impressed by the Mayor’s resolve to rid the Philippines of filipinos, and fully support his initiative.” Beijing has offered to repopulate the country after it has become completely depopulated. If the offer is taken, this could signal the end of territorial disputes between the two countries.

Not everyone is happy with Duterte’s plan, however. Singapore’s Ministry of Manpower, as well as Saudi Arabia’s Ministry of Labor have expressed concern over the potential shortage of filipino slaves. “Who will clean our houses? Who will raise our children,” said a teary-eyed sheikh who wished not to be named. Singapore’s Ministry of Internal Affairs has also stated that there are mounting fears that Singapore’s already declining population might follow suit, as they will no longer have maids to take care of their already very rare young.

Tens of maritime services are expected to shut down. Maersk, one of the largest shipping companies in the world, has a roster of seamen that is 100% filipino, and is already beginning to wind down operations amid news of the upcoming genocide.

Duterte plans to kill himself after all this is done, because after all he is a Filipino, and a human rights criminal. He has already contacted Guinness Book of World Records to apply for the distinction of the last filipino alive, and the last filipino to die.

Image credit: http://www.9news.ph/news/regional/2014/04/07/duterte-issues-shoot-to-kill-order-vs-cocaine-dealers