Archive | Satire

Pacquiao Wants to Punch Pope For “Insulting Mothers”

MANILA, PHILIPPINES – “I will give him one punch for every mother that he has insulted,” says Manny Pacquiao, reacting to various misogynist statements that the Pope had previously made. “Hindi ko na kailangan ng ring para dito. Kahit saan pwede ako.” (“I don’t need a ring for this anymore. I can do it anywhere.”)

YO MOMMA SO INSULTED she gonna punch you in the face

YO MOMMA SO INSULTED she gonna punch you in the face!

Many of the pope’s statements, according to Pacquiao, seem to attach the value of a woman to her fertility, which he finds demeaning and reduces the value of women. He also criticized the pope’s refusal to accept women into clergy, saying it “betrays a deep sense of sexism inherent in the institution.”

Pacquiao recently challenged the Pope to a boxing match as a sign of hospitality and to ease the traffic situation.

Pacquio’s coach, Freddie Roach, has expressed concern over Pacquiao’s apparent self-contradiction. “I’m glad he’s standing up for what he believes, but it’s bound to confuse people since he has previously fought against the Reproductive Health Law, which primarily empowers women and protects mothers more than anyone. But who knows, maybe he’ll switch sides again after taking a few more punches to the face. It’s normal. It’s normal.”

When asked why his reaction comes so long after the Pope’s statements, Pacquio said “I don’t read very fast.”

Pope Francis was reached for comment, responding “So he’s not going to fight me in the ring anymore? What a pussy! For a grown man he sure can be such a girl.”

 

 

 

Image credit: http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2015/01/15/charlie-hebdo-pope_n_6477928.html

Posted in Humor, Satire4 Comments

Pacquiao to Fight Pope Francis

MANILA, PHILIPPINES – In light of the upcoming papal visit and resulting expectations of heavy traffic, Manny Pacquiao has announced that he will try to ease the traffic situation personally by having a boxing match with Pope Francis himself during his visit. “It’s only fitting that I greet his holiness with the utmost example of Filipino hospitality,” said Pacquiao.

It is a well-documented fact that traffic in Metro Manila virtually disappears and crime rates drop to almost zero whenever Manny Pacquiao has a fight.

MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino welcomed Pacquiao’s move as a gracious offering of assistance to local traffic enforcers. “And as a people, we cannot just punch the Bishop of Rome with any fist. It must be the strongest fist the world has ever seen. Anything less would be disrespectful to the Primate of Italy,” he added.

Don't miss the once in a lifetime event!

Don’t miss the once in a lifetime event!

“I don’t think it’s fair for Manny to fight with the Pope but I don’t think that it’s a good idea to tell him to stick to politics either,” says Coach Freddie Roach, who has personal reservations about the fight. “I try to discourage him from politics, you know, considering how much brain damage he might have sustained from all the concussions he’s had throughout the years,” Roach said.

Meanwhile, President Aquino has expressed excitement for the upcoming fight, saying “People think we’re bending over backwards to accommodate the Pope, but I disagree. We’re actually bending over forward, and I think the farther we can bend over, the easier it will be for the Pope to come into our beautiful country.”

When asked for comments on the challenge, Pope Francis replied, “Manny is a punk-ass bitch who has no idea what the fuck he’s getting into. He thinks that just because I’m not as young as him he can score an easy win. Well, lemme just tell you this: if he thinks he can take me down that easily, he’s in for a goddamn big surprise and a world of hurt.” The Vicar of Christ is reportedly choosing his boxing nickname between two options, namely “Supreme Punchiff” and “The Rock of the Church”.

As of writing, Floyd Mayweather, Jr. has expressed interest in taking on the Dalai Lama when the latter visits Michigan this coming March.

Image credits:

  • http://content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1935091,00.html
  • http://www.outsidethebeltway.com/pope-franciss-remarks-on-the-big-bang-are-nothing-new-for-the-catholic-church/

Posted in Humor, Satire1 Comment

Duterte won’t stop until every last Filipino is dead

Duterte won’t stop until every last Filipino is dead

Duterte and his weapon of choice

DAVAO CITY, Philippines — After having killed most of the politicians in the country as a result of his anti-crime campaign, Mayor Rodrigo Duterte says he plans to kill every last Filipino in the world, including himself.

Duterte’s killing spree began with his capacity as judge and jury, charging Commission on Human Rights chair Loretta Rosales with obstruction of justice, sentencing her to capital punishment, and personally carrying out the execution himself. Davao City groups including Kilusan Ng Mamamayan Laban Sa Krimen and Duterte Youth have praised Duterte’s no-nonsense crime fighting style, a move that has resulted in a near 0% crime rate in Davao. Duterte, however, is unsatisfied.

“It is time we stopped our mediocre filipino ways. ‘Pwede na yan’ isn’t world class enough. We’ve started our war on crime, and we’re going to end it. I won’t stop until the country’s crime rate is exactly 0,” Duterte said in an interview. “And the only way to ensure a zero crime rate is to kill every last Filipino in the country. Let’s stop our filipino ways altogether, mediocre or otherwise.”

Chinese ambassador to the Philippines Xi Huan Wang praised the sentiment, which echoes Beijing’s policy on corruption and the Philippines. “We are impressed by the Mayor’s resolve to rid the Philippines of filipinos, and fully support his initiative.” Beijing has offered to repopulate the country after it has become completely depopulated. If the offer is taken, this could signal the end of territorial disputes between the two countries.

Not everyone is happy with Duterte’s plan, however. Singapore’s Ministry of Manpower, as well as Saudi Arabia’s Ministry of Labor have expressed concern over the potential shortage of filipino slaves. “Who will clean our houses? Who will raise our children,” said a teary-eyed sheikh who wished not to be named. Singapore’s Ministry of Internal Affairs has also stated that there are mounting fears that Singapore’s already declining population might follow suit, as they will no longer have maids to take care of their already very rare young.

Tens of maritime services are expected to shut down. Maersk, one of the largest shipping companies in the world, has a roster of seamen that is 100% filipino, and is already beginning to wind down operations amid news of the upcoming genocide.

Duterte plans to kill himself after all this is done, because after all he is a Filipino, and a human rights criminal. He has already contacted Guinness Book of World Records to apply for the distinction of the last filipino alive, and the last filipino to die.

Image credit: http://www.9news.ph/news/regional/2014/04/07/duterte-issues-shoot-to-kill-order-vs-cocaine-dealers

Posted in Humor, Politics, Satire3 Comments

Davao City Declares 4,581 More Personae Non Gratae

Davao City Declares 4,581 More Personae Non Gratae

DAVAO CITY, PHILIPPINES — The city council of Davao has declared 4,581 more people as personae non gratae after only recently doing the same for comedian Ramon Bautista. The 382-page list includes Davao City police chief Senior Supt. Vicente Danao Jr., former Mayor Sara Duterte-Carpio, Vice Mayor Paolo Duterte, and incumbent Mayor Rodrigo Duterte.

“We just realized how inconsistent we have been in how we respond to less than ideal behavior,” says City Councilor Joel Durtete. “It didn’t seem fair that a joke from a comedian could get him punished while other far graver acts went completely under the radar. It feels as if we were being butthurt about the wrong things.”

In their press release statement, the following reasons were cited as justifications for the declarations of particular individuals:

* SENIOR SUPT. VICENTE DANAO JR.for the use of excessive force and volume against his spouse

beater

* SARA DUTERTE-CARPIO — for the downright nasty physical abuse of a sheriff

* PAOLO DUTERTE and RODRIGO DUTERTE — for the indecent and insulting treatment of media personnel

Like Father Like Son

Like Father Like Son

Most of the actions cited for the rest of the people on the list include violations of the 30 kph speed limit, 1am liquor ban, and taking Duterte’s name in vain. However, others were very specific, such as “constantly making disapproving looks at frail elderly people”, “deliberately placing dog feces on the sidewalks”, and “making babies laugh at funerals”.

In his defense, Senior Supt. Vicente Danao Jr. was quoted as saying: “I may have hit my wife’s face, but at least I didn’t call it ugly by saying she was hipon.” The Dutertes opted to send a collective reply: a one-page letter containing only the phrase “PAKYU KAYONG LAHAT” and an image of a fist with its middle finger raised.

An anonymous source from Davao City Hall also said that the council was considering adding the members of the “Davao Death Squad” to the list for their disregard for due process and human rights, but ultimately decided against their inclusion due to fear for their lives.

According to Davao City Councilor May Pajabul, the council is still investigating another incident and hope to follow up with another declaration of persona non grata as soon as they uncover the individuals responsible for a website called Hipon City, which seems to have been set up to mirror the contents of the official Davao City website except with all faces replaced by ugly ones.

Some citizens have reportedly expressed concern about the sheer volume of the declarations and have raised questions as to whether or not the status will affect the ability of incumbent government officials to exercise their authority. Pajabul has responded, saying “You really shouldn’t worry; The declaration doesn’t do jack shit.”

Posted in Freedom of Expression, Satire0 Comments

CBCP Adds Sperm Count to Marriage Ceremonies

MANILA, Philippines — Following Archbishop Oscar Cruz’s benevolence in allowing a lesbian woman and a gay man to marry each other under the auspices of the most Holy Roman Catholic church because “The anatomy is there. The possibility of conception is there”, Bishop Jose M. Ilya of the CBCP’s Jesus All Knowing Of Life Tribunal told the assembled press that Catholic marriage ceremonies will now include a sperm count at the altar to ensure that the marriage will result in procreation.

“Before the Catholic church puts two people together in holy matrimony we must ensure that the couple can actually procreate, even if they are a gay man and a lesbian woman, because procreation is the only reason ever for people to marry. We will ensure this even if the couple is straight, and not just for the gay and lesbian couples who wish to take up Archbishop Oscar Cruz’s kind love offering. As guardians of morality, we have to be consistent in our morals. Why do you think we’ve stood by biblical morality for so long?”

Responding to a question on whether this practice discriminates against couples who cannot conceive, Bishop Jose M. Ilya said, “Perhaps, but along with my colleague Archbishop Oscar Cruz’s allowance, I see this as the dawn of a more equal Catholic church. Instead of just discriminating against the gays, the Catholic church will also be discriminating against the straights, hence equality.”

He continues, “Besides, infertile couples who are already married will be grandfathered in. Well, obviously they still can’t be grandparents but, well, you get what I mean. I mean, they’re already married right? It’s not like we can do anything about an existing marriage that is based on love and not on making life. I mean, we don’t even allow divorce.”

The flustered Bishop Jose M. Ilya quickly concluded the press conference by leading a beautiful prayer espousing couples not to marry out of love and commitment to each other but for their mutual baby making.

sperm-wedding

While this is a satire piece, the actual doctrines of the Catholic church regarding conception and consummation in marriage is actually more absurd. Damnit Catholic church, stop standing up my satire pieces.

Posted in Satire2 Comments

Philippines Most Emotional Country

MANILA, Philippines—It was recently discovered that the Philippines is the world’s most emotional country. This has sparked many violent reactions from the Filipino community, most notably from those who drown themselves daily in celebrity drama on television. The following are some tweets that were collected a few hours after the findings were released to the public:

The process behind the research was reportedly very complex, involving nanobots being installed into subjects’ eyes through their pupils. These small robots measured the tear level of the subject and compiled their measurements into tiny nanoreports. These were then transmitted wirelessly using their itty bitty nanocomputers. The original procedure, which involved installing WiFi adapters directly into subjects’ brains, was scrapped in favor of this one. The stated reason was that too many subjects were exhibiting death upon installation of the new hardware, prompting the researchers to speculate that the human brain was not as compatible with computer hardware as previously thought.

The nanobots were also able to determine the exact reasons for sudden surges in emotion. The following pie chart illustrates how strongly the five most common reasons affect people:

The whole Philippine government was reportedly so enraged that it decided to have a BF (Bureau of Feels). “We will oversee all the emotions in this country and ensure that they always fall within accepted bounds,” says BF Spokesperson Lino Luha. Their proposed method of measuring public feelings is mandatory annual heart-weighing for all Filipino citizens.

According to Luha, the budget for the Bureau of Feels will be allotted as soon as the commissioner and the financial officer find it in themselves to put the past behind them and start talking to each other again. When asked exactly what past he was talking about, Luha declined to answer and instead ran out of the room, sobbing uncontrollably with his palms to his face.

Posted in Satire1 Comment

Memo to God

To:          God (in all your names and guises, throughout the history of humanity)

Cc:          Your prophets, dead or alive

From:   Your alleged creation

Date:     A mere blink of eternity’s eye

Re:         Violence committed because of you

——

I am writing this memo to request that You clear Your name once and for all; and, while You are at it, please include the name of Your prophets, dead or alive. Since you are omnipresent and omniscient, I’m sure that you already know that throughout the history of mankind, Your precious humanity has proclaimed you to be the reason why they have committed violence. You have been the eternal excuse for countless murders, for lives made miserable because these persons were deemed to be not following Your words, and for never-ending feelings of hatred. Your name, Your words, Your commands, Your existence have all been implicated with a lot of violent and intolerant behavior. You have been accused as the mastermind behind all this violence and intolerance.

To clarify some matters, I have prepared some questions here for You to answer. I hope You’ll find a spot in Your busy schedule to answer them:

Did You really tell these mortal creatures that violence and intolerance are needed in order to believe that You exist? To worship You? To thank You for Your wonderful creation and for Your blessings?

Is there really a need for gore in order to exalt Your glory? How many people should be killed in order to prove that You are indeed the one and the only Divine Master of the universe?

Do You really hate satire? Do You ever laugh at Yourself? Do you laugh when violence is committed in Your name?

As the most powerful and highest being ever in the Universe, do You feel bullied when mere mortals laugh at you? Are You happy when mortals are being bullied because of You?

Do You hate being criticized? If Yes, given that You created everything that is and will ever be in this universe, why did You create critical thinking? Do You really want those people who criticize You to be killed, imprisoned, or bullied? Don’t You want feedback?

As the Owner of the universe, do You really need our money? Do You really need big houses? What do You need a country for?

Aren’t you tired of seeing these mere mortals act as if they were You? Of speaking, allegedly, on behalf of You? Of using You as an excuse for their behavior? Can’t You speak for Yourself? Can You once and for all reclaim the dignity of the office of Your eternal magnificence?

Thank you and hope to hear from You soon!

 

Posted in Humor, Religion, Satire2 Comments

COMELEC Disqualifies “Ang Patay” Party List

Intramuros, Manila — The Commission on Elections (COMELEC) held a review hearing yesterday for the party list “Ang Patay.” The hearing ended with the panel’s rejection of the party’s application for recognition. “Ang Patay was founded to ensure that the dead are represented in the legislative branch of government,” said Ang Patay Spokesperson Randy Cabaong. He says that “with [Ang Patay’s] rejection, the government is basically saying that the departed are of no importance to them!”

“The deceased are not only underrepresented in public office,” according to Atty. Leoric Calansay, one of Ang Patay’s candidates. “They are also marginalized by society in general.” When asked for examples of marginalization, he is quoted as saying that “the recent zombie pop culture craze discriminates against the dead by focusing too much on the interactions between the living and the undead.”

Ang Patay constituents

A field full of Ang Patay supporters

However, COMELEC Commissioner Dennis Romualdez pointed out some technicalities with their application. “For one, none of the people in Ang Patay, however lifeless they may seem, have actually died. It is unfortunate for them that representatives are required to be a part of the sector they claim to represent,” says Romualdez. He also goes on to say that “the COMELEC does not even recognize dead people as people anymore.”

Some members of the Deny Universal Rights Party (DURP) were also present during the hearing. Kurt Tang, a representative of DURP, said that they were there to monitor the proceedings. “We’re here to make sure that dead people never get rights because they are a horrible sector of society,” says Tang. “They just lie there and do nothing but rot all day, costing our economy billions of pesos a year in wake and burial costs. In our view, they deserve to be disqualified for representation in office.”

Upon overhearing these statements during our interview, one of the members of Ang Patay shouted at Tang that “your mother should have killed you!”

 

 

 

Image from ww2cemeteries.co.uk

Posted in Humor, Politics, Satire7 Comments

Schools Add New Course for Political Aides

The Balagtas University of Local Legislation, along with its sister-school, the Santiago-Hernando Institute of Technology, have announced a new course offering aimed at those with ambitions of serving as political aides to legislators, called Plagiarism 101.

“Contrary to popular opinion, plagiarism is not an absolute evil,” says school dean, Nympha Luz Otana. “We have discussed this matter with top political aides and even they say that copying is a common practice among them. They do it for their bosses’ speeches as well as the bills they pass. Therefore, it is a necessary skill for these aspiring aides. Our aim as an educational provider is to give our students the best training and technological competence possible in the art of copying.”

“For example,” she elaborates, “One of the course modules is entitled Keyboard Shortcuts. 80% of people who use computers copy and paste text by right-clicking on the selected text, choosing ‘Copy’ then moving to the destination, right-clicking and choosing ‘Paste’, but this is very slow and tedious especially if you are copying large amounts of text. The more efficient way would be to use the keyboard shortcut Ctrl-C for copy and Ctrl-V for paste. This simple tip can save countless hours for a legislative researcher who has to scour hundreds of blogs to put together his boss’ privilege speech. Oh, and if you want to copy the full text, you don’t have to use your mouse to select and then drag the selection all the way down. You can just press Ctrl-A. You understand, of course, that I am talking about Windows shortcuts which are more common. We have a separate module that deals with Mac shortcuts for Mac users. And as with the Mac, it comes at a premium price suited for their discerning tastes.”

Although the course primarily deals with skills, it also allocates several hours to philosophy and psychology. “Students need to get rid of the impression that they are doing something wrong and all the mental baggage that comes along with that,” explains Professor Giacobo Bolarte, a veteran teacher in the university. “They have to unlearn all the conditioning that other teachers have impressed upon them — that it is wrong to simply copy other people’s works without proper attribution. You know, politics is a whole different arena with a different set of rules. We cannot expect our lawmakers to keep citing their sources or to verify their information. Why do that when you can simply copy from a blog and assume that it is correct? Besides, how can a senator sound credible if he keeps saying ‘according to such and such a blog who cited Dr. so-and-so?’ Don’t you see how ridiculous and long-winded that would be?”

When asked how the other teachers and parents thought of this, Professor Bolarte replied, “Well, there are naturally a number of them that protested. But I think they are hypocrites. There is no new idea in the world. We are all just copying from past ideas and past discoveries. Look at the Bible. We would not have the Bible if the monks did not copy them from older documents. And even we humans are just copied from the image of God. See? There is nothing wrong with copying. Even God did it. So who are we to go against God?”

Image credit: http://blog.sagoma.com/il-download-e-il-mio-pastore-non-manco-di-nulla/i-love-ctrl-c-ctrl-v_t/

Posted in Satire0 Comments

CBCP Guns for 3 Guinness World Records to Tie with INC

12 July 2012, Manila, Philippines – In light of the Iglesia ni Cristo’s (INC) recent breaking of three Guinness World Records, the Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines (CBCP) has also approached the record achievement authority in the hopes of snagging three records to tie with their rival faith.

According to San Juan Bishop Rico Bagatsing, Senior Auditor for Dogmatic Accomplishments, the CBCP has submitted the following facts to Guinness as representatives of the Philippine Catholic Church: the death of an average of 12 mothers per day due to their delay of the passage of the Reproductive Health (RH) Bill; the amount of over 18 billion pesos amassed due to their holdings in several large corporations; and the two cases of death and 1,000 cases of injury during the 2006 Feast of the Black Nazarene, an extremely dangerous tradition that they have long condoned.

“We hope and pray that the good people of Guinness World Records recognizes us for Most Preventable Deaths from Maternal Complications; Most Wealth Unspent by a Charitable Institution; and Most Irrational Devotees to a Non-Living Object,” says Bishop Bagatsing. “The INC may have won records for most dental health checks, and most blood pressure and blood glucose level readings, but just about any organization can orchestrate that in mere days for publicity. What the Catholic Church has achieved, in contrast, took whole centuries of indoctrination and intimidation to accomplish. Furthermore, we do not long for such record placings just for publicity’s sake. Not at all. We simply want what we deserve.”

Image from mrtube.netne.net.

Posted in Entertainment, Humor, Religion, Satire, Society1 Comment

Filipinos Demand Public Apology for Their Skin Color

Filipinos all across the globe have expressed disgust at a statement made by British stand-up comedian Josh Kayden during his recent show entitled “Callous” in Las Vegas.

Kayden was purported to have said the following during one of his acts:

But wouldn’t it be awesome if you breed a chink with a redskin and got an orange kid? And after having that kid breed with a nigger, you just might end up with something brown, kinda like a Filipino!

“That Filipinos are a shade of brown is an incredibly racist and insensitive thing to imply,” according to Rep. Sergio Palmones. “If anything, Filipinos are much closer to crackers in terms of complexion.”

“I wish he would stop saying those horrible things about Filipinos. It’s really not nice. I mean, what harm have we ever done to him?” says Francis Orpua, the Chairman of the Commission on Apology Justice for Offensive Tweets (CAJOT). CAJOT is currently working on issuing an apology subpoena. To send it to Kayden, they are working in conjunction with the Philippine Postal Service, which says that Kayden should expect the subpoena in 572 working days.

According to Orpua, should Kayden fail to issue a formal non-sarcastic apology in a timely manner, CAJOT will be forced to call upon the Philippine Navy to breach his home in Bristol and ask him for an apology in person at gunpoint.

In an act of outright defiance, Kayden published the offensive lines in two separate tweets last night, triggering a wave of angry responses which include the following:

 

As of publishing time, #RacistBritard was still trending on Twitter.

Kayden recently responded to some of the backlash, saying “Nigga please. Wesley Snipes ain’t got nothin’ on my black skin.”

 

 

Posted in Humor, Satire, Society4 Comments

Manila School Sides with STC, Sues 94% of Student Population’s Parents

4 May 2012, Quezon City – In solidarity with St. Theresa’s College’s (STC) move to sue the parents of the notorious “Bikini Four,” St. Ursula College of Kalookan-Annex (SUCKA) has filed over 1,000 cases against parents of its student population for also violating Republic Act No. 7610 a.k.a. the Anti-Child Abuse Law.

“After learning of this disgusting bikini incident, our school decided to perform background checks on its student population,” says SUCKA Executive Directress Sr. Cielo Baluyot. “Unfortunately, we found that 94% of our students are, as any good Catholic would describe them, ‘delinquent little bastards.’ Some of the girls talk favorably of some communist named Aung San Suu Kyi; some of the boys share and swap pornographic magazines like Newsweek and National Geographic; both sexes use this godless contraption called the ‘Internet!’ The ‘Internet?’ Why has parenting lost its integrity? When I was a child, my parents caned me because they loved me! Where have all the paddles gone?”

The remaining 6% of SUCKA’s parent population, namely Soccoro and Perfecto Ramirez, have also taken matters into their own hands, prohibiting their daughter Purisima from education altogether.

The many parents sued by the school could not be reached for comment, as they were too busy being normal human beings.

 

 

 

Image from listal.com

Posted in Humor, Religion, Satire, Society4 Comments

Catholic Revolution Against Prejudice (CRAP) Supports Miriam Quiambao

Miriam Quiambao offended many LGBT individuals with her allegedly homophobic statements at a recent episode of Bottomline. She later apologized through Twitter with such tweets as

“Homosexuality is not a sin but it is a lie from the devil.”

Despite her apology, many individuals and organizations continue to criticize Quiambao, calling the apology an even worse insult. But one organization has released a statement showing their support for the former beauty queen.*

The statement was written by Jose Shamalan, spokesperson of the Catholic Revolution Against Prejudice (CRAP). “Miriam’s recent tweet [that homosexuality is a lie from the devil] clearly shows that she loves the LGBT community,” said Shamalan. “She’s not prejudiced against Mr. Bemz Benedito or any LGBT person,” he wrote. “How can it be prejudice if her opinion is already formed before she even met Mr. Benedito? Miriam obviously respects and accepts Mr. Benedito. She just doesn’t think it’s right to call him a ‘Miss’.”

Aside from defending Quiambao, Shamalan reiterated her sentiments. “Indeed, homosexuality is not a sin,” said Shamalan. “It is just a transgression against God’s moral law. Although it is OK to react with strong disgust and hatred toward this behavior, homosexuals are not abominations.”

Shamalan also called for tolerance and equality toward LGBTs. “They deserve equal rights to marry someone they choose that is of the opposite sex.”

The CRAP statement closed with a message for the LGBT community. “God’s love is inclusive,” said Shamalan. “The gates of Heaven are wide open to each and every homosexual who changes their ways.”

Image from https://www.facebook.com/media/albums/?id=552172613

Posted in Humor, Religion, Satire, Society4 Comments


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