I Chose to Be Gay

Yes, I chose to be gay. Now before you accuse me of ignorance or political incorrectness, and lecture me on how dangerous and irresponsible this statement is, please hear what I have to say. Consider this my second “coming out.”

An overwhelming majority of the literature I’ve come across with claim that I did not choose this life. Why would I, if all it brings is suffering? Lady Gaga has honored my tribe by singing to the world that I was “born this way.” But the people on the other side of the table claim that it is a political strategy. This is the minority who claim that no one is born gay, that being gay is an option.

I have read enough material, and have debated with enough people to say that both camps have valid and invalid arguments. However, I don’t like the idea of other people speaking on my behalf. So, like any freethinking individual driven by critical analysis and introspection, I had to evaluate my own personal experience in order to answer the question: “Was I born this way or did I choose to be gay?”

Obviously, it was not an easy question to answer as it required that I knew exactly what made me “gay.” Is it the fact that I am attracted to men? Is it that I act upon this attraction and have sex with men? If I am only attracted to men but do not act upon the attraction, does it make me “less gay?” The exercise raised more questions than answers. But the more questions I had to confront, the more I was convinced. I chose to be gay.

It was one summer night when I made the choice. I had just gone on a date as a “confused” teenager with another guy. I was 18. Lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, I thought of the possible consequences of my actions. I thought about what it would take for me to choose that path. I thought of what to say to my family. And after sorting out my thoughts and my feelings, I was no longer confused. At that precise moment in my life, I had made a choice. I thought to myself, “Yes, I am gay. And yes, I’m gonna do this!” He eventually became my first boyfriend. It was a result of my choice.

I could have chosen a different path. I could have chosen to dump him and raise a heteronormative family. He would have become part of a “phase” that I “experimented” with. Perhaps the world might have never known about that lovely skeleton in my closet. I would, most likely, still be attracted to men, because that is one part of me that I didn’t choose. But other than that, I could be showing all signs of being straight, in all its manly glory. Would my “straightness” then be questioned because of my remaining attraction to men? This raises the question, “What makes you straight?” Attraction alone is definitely not what makes me gay. The totality of my being gay today is a result of innate traits and conscious choices I made along the way.

This could easily turn into a debate over definitions. And this debate will surely continue even after both camps reach a conclusion. I doubt that bigots will cease to be bigots if we find conclusive proof that Lady Gaga is right. Sure, some of us did not choose this. But so what if some of us did? If I choose to love another man and not a woman, what logical, rational, scientific explanation do you have to say that it is the wrong choice for me?

Again, this is my personal experience. It may not apply to other gay people out there. But for people like me, the discussion will no longer be about whether it was a choice or not. It will be about why the choice should not even be a topic of discussion.

Yes, I chose to be gay. And that should be okay!

This article first appeared here

9 comments

  1. Even if you had chosen to be with a girl. Everyday you walk down the street, you’d still notice and look at guys. The presence of the thought running through your head would still be there…If ya had chosen to be with a women….It simply would of been a act, as you’ll always like guys, always look at guys thus always be attracted to guys..

    I think your thought process you had was more or less, debating if you wanted to live the life of being a gay man vs the easy road. Your sexuality prevailed. Your gay. Always well be…That isn’t a choose to make.

  2. You can’t choose to be gay or not. Being gay by its ‘payak’ definition, homosexuality, is the attraction to that of the same gender. You can only choose to either be true to it or hide it. Also, a lot of ‘gays’ and even ‘straight’ people (who may have same-sex urges) are actually just bisexual in the first place and are thus capable of ‘choosing’ to be either straight or gay or have ‘phases.’ However, someone who’s actually born straight straight or gay gay (pardon my double words lol) cannot choose to be anyone other than themselves; they can only imitate being otherwise.

  3. Well said Ron! The idea that sexuality is somehow pre-determined and binary in nature is increasingly proven to be wrong. Gay rights activists have for too long hidden behind a mantra that we have no choice in being gay…in other words saying that if we had a choice then we clearly would choose to be straight. Sexuality is far more complex than this. In fact the binary of gay or straight is far from reality. Sexuality is a continuum of positions from exclusively gay to exclusively straight to a whole range of positions in between. Where any person sits on this continuum can change throughout his or her life and will be determined by a whole range of factors. Sexual attraction is also something that is shaped by a whole range of factors, including the media. So it is also possible that there is an element of choice, among other things, which goes into this complex mix. The point is that people should be free to explore their sexuality in any way they feel comfortable without facing discrimination or prejudice.

  4. Awesome! Thank you for sharing you personal process on this very sensitive issue.

    Also, I really like this lines:

    “This raises the question, “What makes you straight?” Attraction alone is definitely not what makes me gay. The totality of my being gay today is a result of innate traits and conscious choices I made along the way.”

    Sana maging masaya ka sa desisyon mo! 🙂 God Bless!

  5. Well, we do not have the right to judge you since we are not on your shoes, we do not know your exact situation and how hard it is. Only God can judge and has the right to. But, the sure thing is that there is only one truth: either homosexual practice is not wrong at all, not wrong in some circumstances, or wrong at all. Yes, having homosexual tendency is not wrong yet, but practicing according to it, that’s the question. I suggest that you should find that truth in yourself even if you already decided. Look at stories of other people who have such tendencies but choose not to go with it. Or what really makes male a male, or female a female. Bata ka pa naman siguro. Marami ka pang matututunan. Gayunpaman, mali ang mag-judge ng tao ah. 🙂

  6. please educate yourself about “our tribe”. You just set back out movement a decade because of your ignorance. Debating with lots of people doesn’t mean you get a better picture, especially if you’re all debating about the same misinformation. This article insults me, and I can name a hundred people who will feel the same.

    • Ryan Europa:

      Greetings! I love the passion in your voice! Keep that fire burning! However, I’d like to clarify one thing. I shared a very personal process. I made a disclaimer that this does not apply to all gay people. I never attacked nor discredited anyone. So exactly how does this article insult you, and the hundred other people that you can name? Please clarify.

      By the way, you don’t know me and how “educated” I am on this topic. You made a conclusion that I am ignorant based on one article. All of those, and the assumptions that come with them, are potentially insulting to me, and I can name a hundred other people who will feel the same. But I choose to ignore it because it is counter-productive to the movement. What I’m trying to say is, please don’t direct your anger towards me. We may have differing opinions but at the end of the day, we all want equality, we are supposed to be allies.

      Thank you in advance for your clarification.

      Ron

  7. If I read that correctly, you choose to be yourself than live a lie, right?

    Anyways, don’t really care, it’s not my concern how you live your life.

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