How to Celebrate Halloween the Christian Way

The CBCP released a missive yesterday accusing Halloween of being ‘anti-Christian’.

In said announcement, Msgr. Pedro Quitorio, CBCP media director, lamented how some Filipinos celebrate All Saints Day as a holiday “of ghouls and witches.” I don’t know about you, but people I know celebrate Halloween that way, not All Saint’s Day. Perhaps the monsignor’s friends and family are in the habit of going to the cemetery dressed up as characters from Twilight but the rest of the world is content to do their merry-making a day before.

 “All Saints’ Day was intended to enhance the feast of the saints but it morphed into something else… no longer about saints but evil,” laments Msgr. Quitorio. “Let’s celebrate it meaningfully because we would be emulating the saints. We can do whatever we want for as long as you don’t fall down to that level that would be glorifying the evil one,” he said.

 For once, I agree with what the CBCP has to say. Glorifying the works of the evil one, aka. Stephanie Meyers’s ghoulish Twilight series is just plain tasteless…

 If you’ve missed it before, read my vampire rants here.

So in an effort to put the “Saint” back in “All Saint’s Day”, I’ve decided to give Msgr. Quitorio a helping hand by coming up with list of helpful suggestions on how to dress up as your favorite Catholic Saint to really get in the spirit of All Saint’s Day.

Saint Agatha of Sicily – The Saint with Regenerating Boobs

 

Among the tortures she underwent was the cutting off of her breasts. An apparition of Saint Peter cured her… Saint Agatha is often depicted iconographically carrying her excised breasts on a platter, in which Agatha sweetly contemplates the breasts on a standing salver held in her hand. The shape of her amputated breasts, especially as depicted in artistic renderings, gave rise to her attribution as the patron saint of bell-founders and as the patron saint of bakers, whose loaves were blessed at her feast day. More recently, she has been venerated as patron saint of breast cancer patients.

Props / Costume: A plate with a pair of boobs


Saint Agnes of Rome – Hairy Virgin Martyr

 

The Prefect Sempronius wished Agnes to marry his son, and, on Agnes’ refusal, he condemned her to death. As Roman law did not permit the execution of virgins, Sempronius had a naked Agnes dragged through the streets to a brothel. Various versions of the legend give different methods of escape from this predicament. In one, as she prayed, her hair grew and covered her body. It was also said that all of the men who attempted to rape her were immediately struck blind.

Props / Costume: Wig/hair-extensions all over your girly-parts


Saint Apollonia – The Toothless Saint

“According to legend, her torture included having all of her teeth violently pulled out or shattered… These men seized her also and by repeated blows broke all her teeth. They then erected outside the city gates a pile of fagots and threatened to burn her alive if she refused to repeat after them impious words. Given, at her own request, a little freedom, she sprang quickly into the fire, but miracolously the fire did not do harm her. She ended up decapitated.

 … the major part of her relics were preserved in the former church of St. Apollonia at Rome, her head at the Basilica di Santa Maria in Trastevere, her arms at the Basilica di San Lorenzo fuori le Mura, parts of her jaw in St. Basil’s, and other relics are in the Jesuit church at Antwerp, in St. Augustine’s at Brussels, in the Jesuit church at Mechlin, in St. Cross at Liege, in the treasury of the cathedral of Porto, and in several churches at Cologne. These relics consist in some cases of a solitary tooth or a splinter of bone.”

Props / Costume: False Teeth, Pincers, Ceramic Tooth


Bartholomew the Apostle – The Skinless Saint

 

“Christian tradition has three stories about Bartholomew’s death: “One speaks of his being kidnapped, beaten unconscious, and cast into the sea to drown. Another account states that he was crucified upside down, and another says that he was skinned alive and beheaded in Albac or Albanopolis”,near Bashkale, Turkey.

 The account of Bartholomew being skinned alive is the most represented in works of art, and consequently Bartholomew is often shown with a large knife, holding his own skin (as in Michelangelo’s Last Judgment), or both.”

Props / Costume: Full-body suit of the musculatory system


Saint Brendan of Clonfert – The Saint and the Sea Monster

“St Brendan is chiefly renowned for his legendary journey to The Isle of the Blessed as described in the ninth century Voyage of St Brendan the Navigator. Many versions exist, that tell of how he set out onto the Atlantic Ocean with sixty pilgrims searching for the Garden of Eden. One of these companions is said to have been Saint Malo, the namesake of Saint-Malo. If it happened, this would have occurred sometime between 512-530 AD, before his travel to the island of Great Britain. On his trip, Brendan is supposed to have seen St. Brendan’s Island, a blessed island covered with vegetation. He also encountered a sea monster, an adventure he shared with his contemporary St. Columba. The most commonly illustrated adventure is his landing on an island which turns out to be a giant sea monster called Jasconius or Jascon. This too, has its parallels in other stories, not only in Irish mythology but in other traditions, from Sinbad the Sailor to Pinocchio.”

Props / Costume: A whale or giant sea-monster


Saint Christopher – The Dog-Headed Saint

 

“The German bishop and poet Walter of Speyer portrayed St. Christopher as a giant of a cynocephalic species in the land of the Chananeans (the “canines” of Canaan in the New Testament) who ate human flesh and barked. Eventually, Christopher met the Christ child, regretted his former behavior, and received baptism. He, too, was rewarded with a human appearance, whereupon he devoted his life to Christian service and became an athlete of God, one of the soldier-saints.”

Props / Costume: A dog-head mask


Saint Denis – The Talking Head

“Saint Denis is a Christian martyr and saint. In the third century, he was Bishop of Paris. He was martyred in connection with the Decian persecution of Christians, shortly after A.D. 250. After his head was chopped off, Denis is said to have picked it up and walked ten kilometres, preaching a sermon the entire way, making him one of many cephalophores in hagiology.”

Props / Costume: A decapitated head, preferably one that talks

 

Saint Drogo – Patron Saint of Ugly People

 

Image credit: http://adamdavisart.blogspot.com

“During a pilgrimage he was stricken with unsightly bodily affliction. He became so terribly deformed that he frightened the townspeople. In his twenties, a cell was built for him to protect the local citizens of the village from his appearance.”

Props / Costume: A sack over your head or Quasimodo make-up


Saint Edmund – The Talking Head, Part 2

“Local legend has is that, after being routed in battle against the Danes, King Edmund of East Anglia hid under the Goldbrook bridge. The reflection of his golden spurs glinting in the water revealed his hiding place to a newly wed couple. They gave away his position to the Danes who promptly captured Edmund and demanded he renounce his faith. He refused and was tied to a nearby oak tree. After whipping him, the Danes shot spears at him until he was entirely covered with their missiles – like the bristles of a hedgehog. Even then he would not forsake Christ and so was beheaded and the head was thrown into the woods.

 His severed head was thrown into the wood. Day and night as Edmund’s followers went seeking, calling out “Where are you, friend?” the head would answer, “Here, here, here,” until at last, “a great wonder”, they found Edmund’s head in the possession of a grey wolf, clasped between its paws. “They were astonished at the wolf’s guardianship. The wolf, sent by God to protect the head from the animals of the forest, was starving but did not eat the head for all the days it was lost. After recovering the head, the villagers marched back to the kingdom, praising God and the wolf that served him. The wolf walked beside them as if tame all the way to the town, after which it turned around and vanished into the forest.”

Saint Lucy – Eye-ay-eye!

 

“She consecrated her virginity to God, refused to marry a pagan, and had her dowry distributed to the poor. Her would-be husband denounced her as a Christian to the governor of Syracuse, Sicily. Miraculously unable to move her or burn her, the guards took out her eyes with a fork. In another version, Lucy’s would-be husband admired her eyes, so she tore them out and gave them to him, saying, “Now let me live to God”.

The oldest record of her story comes from the fifth-century accounts of saints’ lives. By the 6th century, her story was widespread, so that she appears in the Sacramentary of Pope Gregory I. At the opening of the 8th century Aldhelm included a brief account of her life among the virgins praised in De laude virginitatis, and in the following century the Venerable Bede included her in his Martyrology.In medieval accounts, Saint Lucy’s eyes are gouged out prior to her execution. In art, her eyes sometimes appear on a tray that she is holding.”

Props / Costume: A plate of eyeballs


Saint Margaret of Antioch – The Lady and the Dragon

“According to the Golden Legend, she was a native of Antioch, daughter of a pagan priest named Aedesius. She was scorned by her father for her Christian faith, and lived in the country, which is now modern day Turkey, with a foster-mother keeping sheep. Olybrius, the praeses orientis (Governor of the Roman Diocese of the East), offered her marriage at the price of her renunciation of Christianity. Upon her refusal, she was cruelly tortured, during which various miraculous incidents occurred. One of these involved being swallowed by Satan in the shape of a dragon, from which she escaped alive when the cross she carried irritated the dragon’s innards.”

Props / Costume: A dragon


Saint Mercurius – The Original PinHead

 

“The Emperor called Mercurius and asked him, “Is it true that you refused to worship the idols who helped us during the war?”

Mercurius answered with courage:

Your Majesty, the victory was not due to dumb idols made by human hands. It was accomplished by the grace of our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, who sent His archangel to give me a sword and strengthened me. I cannot deny my God and worship statues.

The Emperor was infuriated, and tried to persuade him to no avail. Mercurius’ faith was unshaken. He stripped him of his ranks and ordered him to be thrown in jail.

That did not stop the saint from praying and singing hymns in prison. During the night, Michael the Archangel appeared to him and told him: “Do not be afraid of the tortures. Confess your faith in Jesus publicly because He is the only One able to save you”.

The next morning, Decius’ soldiers hung the saint between two poles so that they could hit him with sharp nails. They tried also to cut his body with sharp blades and burn it, but Mercurius endured all these tortures in silence.

Props / Costume: A PinHead mask


Saint Perpetua and Felicity – Mauled to Death by a Cow

 

“Felicitas, who was eight months pregnant, was apprehensive that she would not be permitted to suffer martyrdom with the others, since the law forbade the execution of pregnant women, but two days before the games she gave birth to a daughter, who was adopted by a Christian woman. On the day of the games, the five were led into the amphitheatre. At the demand of the crowd they were first scourged; then a boar, a bear, and a leopard, were set on the men, and a wild cow on the women. Wounded by the wild animals, they gave each other the kiss of peace and were then put to the sword.”

Props / Costume: A mad cow


Saint Quiricus and Julietta – Massacred Mother and Child

“According to legend, Julietta and her three-year (sometimes described as three-month) old Cyricus had fled to Tarsus and were identified as Christians. Julietta was tortured, and her three year old son, being held by the governor of Tarsus, scratched the governor’s face and was killed by being thrown down some steps. Julietta did not weep but celebrated the fact that her son had earned the crown of martyrdom. In anger, the governor then decreed that Julietta’s sides should be ripped apart with hooks, and then she was beheaded. Her body, along with that of Cyricus, was flung outside the city, on the heap of bodies belonging to criminals, but the two maids rescued the corpses of the mother and child and buried them in a nearby field.

An alternative version of the story is that Julietta told the governor that his religion could not be accepted by a three year old child, whereupon Quiricus testified to his faith, and mother and child were tortured before being decapitated.”

Props / Costume: A doll of a dead baby


Saint Simon the Zealot – Saw, the Catholic version

 

“One of the original 12 disciples, “One tradition states that he traveled in the Middle East and Africa. Christian Ethiopians claim that he was crucified in Samaria, while Justus Lipsius writes that he was sawn in half at Suanir, Persia.”

Props / Costume: A giant saw

.

So is there a point to all this? Perhaps the monsignor has failed to realize how Catholicm itself has acquired its fair share of legends and lore… interwoven with historical facts are elements of fantasy, magic, and all sort of ghoulish wonders… some so astounding that even the mythology of vampires and werewolves may even pale in comparison.

When a man of the cloth criticizes the public obsession with witches and wizards yet fully believes in a man who can cast spells, duel with demons, and resurrect the dead from the grave, it seems too glaring a hypocrisy.

So whether you’re Team-Edward (vampire), Team-Jacob (werewolf), or Team-Jesus (zombie-wizard)… have a Happy Halloween everyone!

37 comments

  1. Seems like a lot of folks mistake freethinking for freedom to think and believe whatever they want.

    Does freethinking mean I’m free to contemplate about the true essence of fairies and elves?

  2. Halloween Trolling 101

    dress up as a ‘Titan’ [ Shingeki no Kyojin ]

    and these christians will took it as Bartholomew the Apostle – The Skinless Saint

    😀

  3. "Absurd to whom, you? I thought this was a Freethinkers forum? Why so dogmatic? St. Agatha's healing is considered miraculous as stated above. No one said anything about re-generation of breasts. It was claimed to be a miraculous healing in fact there isn't any claim that the healing meant that her breasts grew back. Healing can mean the wounds which were potentially fatal were totally healed and did not kill her just like a cut finger can heal into a stump without necessarily growing a finger back."

    Saint Catherine of Siena

    "…mystically married Jesus and his foreskin served as a wedding ring. After her death her hand with the praeputium of JesusChrist of Nazareth became a relic and the famous part of the penis of the lord, though invisible, was told to swell and turn red for two virgins. She liked to be humiliated and drank cupfuls of cancerous puss from a sick woman that abused her."

    – the Field Guide to Flying Saints | http://goo.gl/aDLDw

  4. “When a man of the cloth criticizes the public obsession with witches and wizards yet fully believes in a man who can cast spells, duel with demons, and resurrect the dead from the grave, it seems too glaring a hypocrisy.

    While to you Christianity and all its teachings on the occult and evil are myths, we believe they are true, at least some of them. Those who participate in halloween and dress like vampires, werewolves and mummies certainly know these creatures are lore but it was not the Bishops point to talk about fashion and costumes. Therefor to believe in the tenets of Christianity and advice the faithful on the use of the occult especially for halloween is not hypocrisy but sincerity.

    Why then does it bother you that the Church come out with guidance for her members as to what the real meaning of hallow ‘n really is which is the eve of the day of all saints? If that advice does not apply to you then why not go on your merry way and dress the way you want. It makes it seem like you are just trying to pick a fight with the Church in a very trivial way.

    • Oddly enough, you do have a point here. The Church is definitely sincere, no matter how absurd its beliefs are, which are put in stark display here with the saint with the regenerating boobs.

      • Absurd to whom, you? I thought this was a Freethinkers forum? Why so dogmatic? St. Agatha's healing is considered miraculous as stated above. No one said anything about re-generation of breasts. It was claimed to be a miraculous healing in fact there isn't any claim that the healing meant that her breasts grew back. Healing can mean the wounds which were potentially fatal were totally healed and did not kill her just like a cut finger can heal into a stump without necessarily growing a finger back. Besides, talking about absurdities, what about the absurdities and lies you gave in the talk at LaSalle in February?

        • Ah. That makes perfect sense. How great is God that he can heal breasts, but not regenerate them. That would be absurd, of course. How stupid of me. Regenerating breasts by magic is stupid. Supernaturally healing breasts is not absurd at all. I would worship that God if there were any evidence that such a breast-healing God did exist.

          • Well my point is, if your not convinced that miracles do happen, at the very least, don't ridicule those who do after all, isn't that what free thinking is all about, open to many things? The point is, a healing miracle may be done in various ways, in the case of the above mentioned case, there isn't any specifics about it. The poster is merely poking fun at it. So you are really chasing after a straw man.

          • oh so many misconceptions in one post:

            – you ignore the cardinal rule of freethinking: "NO SACRED COWS". the existence of miracles, like any other experimental cases, must be open to scrutiny. Sorry no free pass. If you or anyone else can show me a "miracle" attributable to-and-only-to your deity, then I will reconsider.

            – I was not "merely poking fun" at the veneration of fictitious characters just for the heck of it, read my closing statement again. It's a satirical comparison of Catholic mythology to traditional Halloween mythology… in the end – Headless Horseman or Headless Saint – what does it matter? Its the same ghoulish characters with different names.

          • My friend, lets not kid each other, your column was directed against the Bishop and his statement and you even called him a hypocrite. Let us also not pretend that indeed you were also not poking fun at the Catholic belief in miracles after all, that is what a satire is. I do not care much that you criticize the Bishops statement in its context. I do not even care that you make a satire out of it, everyone is entitled to his own opinion, besides, tt was directed to the Catholic public and has nothing to do with costumes nor fashion. It was an advice to recall hallows-eve as a pre-celebration of all saints and to him, many of the faithful go overboard with the "westernized" concept of halloween while forgetting the real meaning of the eve of all saints.

            As I said, to you werewolves and vampires and miraculous healings are but of the same lump, lore and magic. I do not share that same point of view but this isn't what my comment is all about but rather to call someone a hypocrite based on your own opinion of what constitutes superstition is false and slanderous because a hypocrite is someone who does something contrary to his OWN beliefs. The bishop believes in things Catholic and likewise advices the same therefor he is sincere. If the bishop gave this statement but knowingly believes that miracles and the like are myths and lore, then he is indeed a hypocrite. In other words, your use of "hypocrisy" is erroneous. That was my main point in case you missed it.

        • //What about the absurdities and lies that you presented with Tani in LaSalle last February, will those stand up to evidenced-based scrutiny?//

          Yes.

          //I don't think so.//

          My dear dboncan, you act as if we give a flying fuck about your gobshite.

          • Well if you think they can stand up to evidence why not address them? Put your dirty money where your dirty mouth is!

          • //Well if you think they can stand up to evidence why not address them?//

            Then ask Red. Your hard-on is obviously for him and Kenneth.

            //Put your dirty money where your dirty mouth is! //

            Oh, I have a potty mouth. Well fuck, ain't that just fucking sad 🙁

          • You obviously have nothing intelligible to contribute. I can't understand how someone who claims to be a Freethinker can be such an arrogant "potty mouth". It's not like I am intimidated nor offended. In fact it just says a lot about you, your upbringing and your organization. Since neither of your boyfriends want to address what I had written personally and sent you instead, lets just shelve the discussion until you can get some decency in you.

        • //Besides, talking about absurdities, what about the absurdities and lies you gave in the talk at LaSalle in February? //

          And speaking of absurdities, how is it being a lying fuckwit who ass-pulls fraudulent data on reproductive health and gays? If there is any serial liar in this room, it is you, dboncan.

          • Is that all you can ever do, throw vulgarities in the hope that it will intimidate me? Ohhh please been there done that. I thought you guys were intelligent and evidence-based thinkers. It appears you have some growing up to do. Adieu!

          • //Is that all you can ever do, throw vulgarities in the hope that it will intimidate me?//

            Last I checked, you also failed to present any credible data during our last exchange, and spent the whole session bitching and moaning about how I was being rude. Boo-fucking-hoo. Grow up.

            //I thought you guys were intelligent and evidence-based thinkers. It appears you have some growing up to do. //

            If you act like a bitch, we'll treat you like one.

            Ergo, if you try to promote your bigtory of the gay community while ignoring all evidence to the contrary we present to you, don't expect me to treat you with any more respect than I do liars and charlatans.

          • I did present evidence in fact, I quit because I felt your demeanor does not live up to the standards of what should be an intelligent public forum. I read the rules of the posts and I can't understand why those rules are not implemented. Here is what it says:"
            You’re free to defend your position; we don’t expect you to be cool-headed about it all the time, but we trust you to stick to the issue instead of attacking the people who contradict your position. Be open to the idea that you might be wrong. It’s okay, no one expects perfection. Being able to change your position when presented with a better argument and data is the mark of a mature intellect."

            You don't fall into this category twinskies especially the last line. I won't discuss intelligently and respecfuly with someone who cannot maintain the same. So perhaps you should stop behaving like a foul-mouthed child and start manning up to what proper behavior should be.

        • //I thought this was a Freethinkers forum? Why so dogmatic?//

          We are.

          We just have zero tolerance for bullshit.

          You didn't exactly make a good name for yourself by saying homosexuality was a psychological disorder, and accusing the APA of being part of a grater conspiracy by the LGBT community to make their lifestyle acceptable.

          • Well how about your bullshit? You have no tolerance for what others say but for your own BS you do? Is this your way towards an intelligent discussion? What hypocrisy on your part! I stand by the findings that homosexuality is a psychological disorder. Give me the data or the studies that the APA has shown to demonstrate that homosexuality is not a psychological disorder. The fact is psychology is a soft science and is driven many times by fashion and trends.

        • "Absurd to whom, you? I thought this was a Freethinkers forum? Why so dogmatic? St. Agatha's healing is considered miraculous as stated above. No one said anything about re-generation of breasts. It was claimed to be a miraculous healing in fact there isn't any claim that the healing meant that her breasts grew back. Healing can mean the wounds which were potentially fatal were totally healed and did not kill her just like a cut finger can heal into a stump without necessarily growing a finger back."

          Saint Catherine of Siena

          "…mystically married Jesus and his foreskin served as a wedding ring. After her death her hand with the praeputium of JesusChrist of Nazareth became a relic and the famous part of the penis of the lord, though invisible, was told to swell and turn red for two virgins. She liked to be humiliated and drank cupfuls of cancerous puss from a sick woman that abused her."

          – The Field Guide to Flying Saints | http://goo.gl/aDLDw

      • Absurd to whom, you? I thought this was a Freethinkers forum, why so dogmatic? In the first place nowhere did the miraculous cure ever mention any regeneration of breasts. Cure and healing can come in many ways not necessarily by regenerating a lost part. What about the absurdities and lies that you presented with Tani in LaSalle last February, will those stand up to evidenced-based scrutiny? I don’t think so. Your the pot calling the kettle black Barcero.

          • The article is certainly biassed you can see it from the tone of the writer. At any rate,l at the spiritual level, that is one opinion that demons do tempt even priests into committing sins and crimes. Your response is based solely on the title of the article yet if you read it, the writer merely thews quotes (many out of context) and tries to piece them together to make it seem that Fr. Amorth is attributing this solely to the devil, which he is not. Perhaps a less biased article is order: http://articles.cnn.com/2010-03-16/world/vatican….

            So if you only want the truth to come out, all you have to do is search honestly.

  5. why not dress up as Grand Inquisitor Tomas de Torquemada? absolutely terrifying and appropriate for the times! ask a friend to dress up as a "witch" being burnt at the stake.

    it's sourgraping on the part of the Christian church. they were the ones who co-opted native holidays and traditions into their celebrations (Samhain -> All Saints' Day, Winter Equinox -> Christmas in the RCC) to pacify the locals.

    i would like totally make a death metal/grindcore album from the stories of Christian martyrs.

    • In which case, you miss the point of martyrdom and see it from a merely secular perspective of violence, blood and gore. Before you charge the church with “sourgraping”Perhaps you should try to read and understand the lives of these saints and see how they led heroically virtuous lives. Many times they did this against oppressive regimes while pagans and atheists stood by without lifting a finger.

      • If that were your criteria for sainthood, then Hypatia of Alexandria should also be honored as a secular martyred saint.

        – led a heroically virtuous life : check
        – fought against an oppressive christian regime : check
        – was tortured to death by an angry christian mob for refusing to convert : check

        I don't think there's a shortage of tragic historical figures that were martyred for refusing to convert to Christianity. The blood and gore of the Crusades and the Inquisition alone would yield numbers in the hundreds of thousands Moors, Jews and Roma who were brutally tortured to death by Papal command.

        … so, do you really want to play the martyr pity-card?

      • torturing and killing anybody for believing, or refusing to believe, in something is reprehensible regardless of the identities of the oppressor and the oppressed. i have a healthy respect for martyrs of any persuasion (the Christian, the pagan, the scientist), if only for their sheer willpower and high tolerance for pain.

        the "sourgraping" i refer to is the act of the RCC releasing missives against Halloween, when many of the beliefs and rituals associated with this holiday have their origins in Christian dogma and custom. yes, it started out as a Gaelic/Celtic/pagan festival, but the focus on the souls of the departed, the afterlife, Purgatory, are Christian influences.

        besides, it's reactionary of a faith to demonize a commercialized holiday where people play dress-up while ignoring the very real demons of:
        – interference in secular matters
        – use of dogma to influence the faithful
        – unleashing the threat of sin and hell to fight against a BILL instead of letting people discover the facts in a balanced manner.

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